Dear Diary,

This morning I awoke at 7:30am after having a dream that I was madly making out with, and on the way to having sex with, my high school quarterback. It was present time and I guess he was separated from his wife (and three kids). We were getting hot and heavy and then I guess I went to change my clothes (?) all the while thinking that I probably really hadn't been washing my clothes enough and was probably a little on the ripe side. Oddly enough I seemed to be wearing my thermal pajamas at that time and when I pulled the pants down, there was a greenish smear on my leg, which made me think immediately that some bug had been smashed there, but it was more like there was some kind of mark on me.

And then I woke up, very disturbed not so much by the dream (which was more amusing than disturbing- the second time I have dreamt that I was getting intimate with a guy in my high school class) but more by the fact that I hate my pt job and the person I have turned into by being there.

I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't write anymore about this job, but it seems I have to.

I am always angry. ALWAYS. I constantly feel put out and resentful while I am there. I am sure it is unpleasant for my co-workers, especially the more clueless ones that don't even mind being there.

I am so confused about the right thing to do regarding recording my hours. If I am there, but technically not working, is that okay? And sometimes I would claim being there 15 minutes earlier than I was actually in the office because I was so annoyed by the commute (which is long and ridiculous) and the slow elevator (which seems to be broken, stalled, or permanently under construction). Then I say to myself that is wrong, but also if I were there 15 minutes earlier I wouldn't be working anyway, but only sitting in the building checking my email or FB or doing my own thing but definitely not working, so is one better than the other? Either way it's a farce.

I think I have to quit. I just am so miserable, and I think this miserability affects my ability to make money in my other business. I am tying way too much energy up in this hate/hate relationship. I know it freaks people out to hear me talk about hating, and wanting to leave, a job where I can come and go as I please, make my own hours, do my own work and have access to office supplies... but yes, to me, it sucks. I don't LIKE feeling unproductive and unseen. I don't LIKE what feels like a waste of my time in another location when I could be "wasting" my time at home. I am just unhappy. And although others may think it's a dream and I have nothing to be unhappy about, I just am. It's not good enough for me.

And maybe that's where the problem lies- me trying to be an individual- and I don't mean the kind of "get a tattoo and a lip piercing and dye my hair pink" kind of individuality that has become mainstream. I mean really listening deep down to my core that screams at me that I hate this part of my life and that even though others may say I should be grateful and I have it so easy, this just doesn't match. With my soul. With who I am. With what I want to be doing with my life.

And then there is the fear. The fear that if I do give it up, even though it is horrible, that I will be destitute. That I will not have any money. That this really is what I have to do to be successful, even though it hasn't really helped very much and my debt is at pretty much the same number it's always been and I don't feel like I've gotten ahead at all.

That's probably the lesson in all of this: trust. Trusting myself, trusting the Universe. Trusting that there is something better out there for me. That I really can be successful and enjoy what I'm doing. That even though 95% of Americans believe their jobs are supposed to suck and that they have to suffer, I don't have to believe that too.

That is what's on my mind this morning.

Should I quit today?

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