Dear Diary,

So I didn't mention but I did see Tim and Pam on Monday night. I thought maybe they weren't going to come to exercise class anymore but there they were.

I had brought the DVDs with me even though I never heard back from either one of them about meeting up. During the day I texted Pam and told her I had them. I figured she'd be the one i'd be dealing with since Tim seems to be the one with the problem.

But when I got to class Tim was there, and one of the teachers was actually absent so Tim had to teach the first round of exercises. He was forced to talk to me when things needed explaining but it felt like he was avoiding eye contact whenever he could. Then the other teacher took over and Pam showed up. I partnered with her a few times and she was okay- not overly friendly but not cold like Tim either. So I really don't know. I went from feeling like I was going to be sick and wanting to run away to actually having a pretty good class.

Except yesterday I felt pretty bad and today also, like I am on the verge of getting sick or something. I finally went and picked up some melatonin so I am hoping for a good night's sleep. I went to pt job today and felt so fuzzy and tired that I could barely do anything. Also I hate both the new girls they hired since neither one of them seem to be able to use their brain. I would have left earlier if not for the fact that I had to work tonight too. B and I had plans to go out but I called to cancel because I am just feeling too shitty.

So there you go.

Haven't heard from high school crush today- but sometimes he writes me very late his time. There is not much brightness in my life these days so I really look forward to his correspondence.

I talked to Emily and it looks like she has plans to move abroad to be with Mr. G. Apparently he has agreed to have some kind of civil ceremony so they can be "partners"- but he refuses to call it a marriage. Instead it is the ultimatum laid down by Emily- she wants to feel like she has some kind of insurance if she is quitting her job and moving out of the country. She told me all of this and then said, "What do you think?" like she really cares what I think. What I truly think is that over the past four years I have watched her twist herself inside out over this guy who is emotionally unavailable and terrified of committing to a real adult relationship. I have heard her tell the same old stories and pretend she is happy, where actually I suspect she is hoping that if she does this he will change somehow and maybe love her more. What I said, "I think you should do what makes you happy," as long as we're both pretending. She obviously doesn't want to look at what's really going on. And who knows? Maybe she will stay there forever. Maybe something good will come out of it, like she can quit the job she really doesn't like and start her own business. Maybe she will stop being so nervous and fake. Her relationship is very boring to me, so I would rather not talk about it. Maybe that makes me a bad friend? But in truth it just feels like we get on the same hamster wheel of talking about her relationship, where she makes the same excuses for him, and doesn't see what's right in front of her face. And doesn't want to hear and gets mad at you even though she asks your opinion. So, the real agreement is one plays along and tells her what she wants to hear. Boring!

So. Done with that. Must sleep...

Love,
Duck

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