#2

Dear Diary,

Feeling a little vulnerable over here... because I am sick, it leaves me time to ruminate over my own shortcomings.

HSC wrote back, quick and short, and all is okay, but it's hard for me to maintain any sense of personal balance because I so obviously swing between being in fantasy, like a child, and then seeing the facts of the situation as an adult. The facts being: I don't know this person, we have no history, and just because we trade some nice correspondence back and forth it doesn't mean we are compatible in a romantic sense.

It just makes me feel more exposed, that hunger that I have, and I start to think, what should I do? Go online? Accept invitations even though I'm not quite sure I am attracted to someone? The impetus is to get a partner as soon as possible. Then I realize this is not the answer. The answer is, I need to satisfy this hunger from the inside out, so I am not desperately clawing at whatever is in my proximity trying to satiate it. Because that never works. I need to really nurture that child inside of me that never got enough. Because when she runs the show, whether it is with money or relationship, nothing goes well!

I had a very interesting sensation at physical therapy yesterday. She was working on my neck and talking about how maybe there was a way my physical body could begin to recognize aspects of support in my environment. I had a kind of flashback to an exercise I did once with Shelby where for the first time in my life, I felt this sense of being taken care of, having a solid adult around. It seemed to be related. I think I need to do more of that kind of work.

So I'm making some plans...

Love, Duck

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