Dear Diary,

I am a little tired of feeling bad about who I am and what I have (not) accomplished in this life...

I spent all weekend being sick- playing Scrabble, watching shows, and reading. Today I even took a two-hour nap.

I am tired of being exhausted, of working myself to the bone. Something, indeed, has to change- but do I have to give up what I love?

I think I need to first give up what I hate- my pt job. I reread through many entries and it just hasn't worked out. It's been a struggle for over one year now. It's just not for me, I think. If work were right around the corner it might be okay. But technically, by the time I do my bus route to that impossible neighborhood, it's more like a 2+ hour commute every time I go.

Shelby called me back. He can't work with me a couple weeks from now. He's busy. But we did catch up. I just told him that I had really been looking forward to being friends with him and it seemed like that had not happened. He explained that so much had been going on with his wife, and all the women he works with, that he had kind of been full of trying to work out all kinds of things with women, and maybe that's why he had kind of receded from us having a friendship. But I guess a lot of things have been resolved and now it's better and, in his words, "There's more space."

If anything I felt good about speaking my piece. He told me a bit about his life and asked me about mine. I told him a little about my summer, my new exercise class, and some of the financial things I was bumping up against. I mentioned the pt job and how I have been struggling and scared to bring it up. He said it always takes careful consideration with a situation like that, and he brought up how sometimes we just assume that in order for things to be productive, they have to be hard. This is something new I am entertaining- that maybe this could be a really easy week, in terms of making money etc. I was kind of getting that "Sunday night feeling" of gearing up for a draining week. I would like to imagine my life not feeling that way anymore. I literally don't think my body can take it. I know I have bills to pay, shit going on... but I don't want to struggle anymore. I am tired.

And with that, hopefully I will dream.

[previous] [next]