Dear Diary,

This morning I had a dream that my childhood best friend and I, and some of the neighborhood girls, took a last-minute trip to France. We had a car, and my friend drove us to some kind of touristy-type eatery that also sold stuff, and I was kind of bent on buying this paper napkin set as a gift. But then I was looking through them and I couldn't find the one I originally wanted and nothing was that fantastic close up. Oddly enough the money we were using was rupees (rather than francs or euros) and my friend got a bill for parking the car that said 10 rupees (my understanding that 1 rupee= 3 dollars). I was saying how maybe we could drive to go see a palace or two. My friend was laughing and saying, "You are spending all your parents' money!" And I corrected her and said, "It's my money," and I had the sense that I had been saving my money for something else, some other trip, maybe to Portugal, but now I was indeed spending it.

There were other dreams, dreams about watching movies on a big screen, folding chairs outside, maybe some DVDs too, but I don't remember that well.

I guess I am working out the money thing. I had a phone session last night with somebody that came highly recommended. He's very intuitive. I told him I wanted to work on money. He said the first picture he got of me was a little kid trying to ride a bike that is too big for her, and I couldn't reach the pedals. He described the frustration and the youngness that I feel so accurately, that I practically burst into tears. I feel like there is so much in the world that I can't manage, that feels just like that, and I am faking the ability to ride a bike. He also said that I don't really want to work, that I would rather be hanging out on a beach somewhere, and that's not necessarily the problem. The problem is that I go into overwhelm. This, too, was so eerily accurate that I felt completely unmasked and vulnerable. From there, we worked on a lot of stuff, particularly me trying to consciously access the more capable part of myself (which tends not to show up around money) and work from there. Of course he told me I'm not done and I should sign up for another session, which I did (in two weeks which will be closer to payday). And he gave me an assignment. I have to track my money much better than I'm doing now. He wants me to make monthly reports of my earnings (which actually isn't too hard- I do track all the paypal and checks and things that come my way) and get a clear sense of exactly what I am earning. I felt kind of foolish since he pointed out that I have been doing the books for another company but slacking on my own. He said I have to start treating my business like a business, and not like a hobby that I don't like very much. I'm not sure if I would ever describe how I work that way, but I'm afraid he might be right. It dawned on me that maybe one of the lessons from pt job is not just noticing how angry I am, getting used to handling large sums of money, but maybe even to put in my face the irony of the fact that I am a bookkeeper and I need to keep better books for myself. Like I said I record everything for taxes and I'm very good about that but I actually don't remember how much I make in a year necessarily, or how much comes in per month- I just know it never seems like enough.

I haven't quit pt job yet, officially. But I have felt quite a bit of freedom. I haven't been killing myself to make hours - this check will only be about twelve hours. I haven't announced my decision to quit because, technically, I am a bit behind. I have a lot of things to finish there in order to leave my work complete. I want to finish everything that needs to be done, just because I am like that, and out of respect for my boss (not the owner, but rather my boss who I like a lot). I want to leave everything in tip-top shape including, perhaps, making a written list of how things get done, since when I started, I only had 3 hours of training and things were so vague, I had no idea what was happening for the first several months. I was never sure how many credit cards we had and sometimes missed payments because it was never clear. And nobody else in the company was any help because they did not have any idea what was going on or any skills to track it either.

I guess though, that since I felt like I had the freedom to quit and everything was going to be okay,I went there thinking, wow I have a lot to do before I leave, and started to slowly address that. I don't want to have to try to rush that process, ie. give a two week notice and have to finish all of that in two weeks, stressing myself out again, because I don't really know what my two weeks will look like.

A word about Tuesday- Tim and Pam were there again but can you say *awkward*? Tim was trying to avoid looking at me at all costs. Pam is not so lucky since the teacher often assigns her to work with me and therefore she has to deal with me, and often we have to talk out exactly what we are doing in partner exercises so she can't just be a storm cloud like Tim. But it was obvious she was not being overly friendly and would withdraw when she was near Tim. I got the palpable feeling that Tim was shooting arrows at me in his mind and I did, indeed, entertain several thoughts of just giving up and leaving the class. I'm thinking that's probably his intention, actually- to make it so uncomfortable for me to be there that I will eventually leave. I don't know what I'm going to do. Henry has been great, very supportive, and even hugging me at class. He sees what's happening and sometimes even checks in to see how I'm feeling about it.

I haven't even approached either Tim or Pam, either. Once again, this week there didn't seem to be a real opening to talk to Tim. He never looks at me, and avoids me at all costs so it's even hard to get close to him. If I am even near him he will start a conversation with anyone else nearby. The times where I might approach him seem inopportune, like just before the second class is starting, or something like that. Pam, also, is hard to get alone. There is usually only one other girl around and after changing Pam stays in the bathroom with her and walks out with her, usually straight to Tim. I was thinking of cornering Pam and asking if she was upset with me, because it is very obvious that Tim is, but there wasn't really a chance. On top of that I feel like I am going into panic mode about the whole thing and I don't feel that I'm strong enough to confront the wave of obvious anger coming my way- like I have to build myself up or something.

When I chose cards about it, basically the message was to hold back and not confront at this time.

Tonight ZZ and her hubby came into town, they came to my house to pick me up (I thought they'd be coming in so I cleaned like a madwoman; and they didn't even enter my abode- now the dishes have been washed and even the stovetop is clean!). We went to see a presentation in town, it was interesting, but being around other human beings makes me tired. Which reminds me that I am meeting Emily and Steffy for dinner tomorrow. So I should rest up now.

Love,
Duck

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