#2

Hey Diary,

Had kind of a rough day today, and all I did was stay home! I don't know why but I started having anxiety attacks after I sent that email to Gia. So, some time beating myself up, eating chocolate, and playing t3tris, which I like to think calms my nerves, but I'm not sure. I think it makes me feel like I can sort things and put everything where it belongs. Then I made a bunch of phone calls. I felt a lot calmer after I spoke with one of my classmates from Serena's class.

Later on Callie called me back and she helped me sort things too. I realized the similarity between my situation with Tim and my situation with Thomas is how nervous I get when someone is upset with me, and Callie pointed out that I am really needing support right now and am not getting it. It is true that I just told Gia I was intent on quitting my job, and then she proposes this $20/day thing. I don't know what she thinks. Callie pointed out that it could feel like a lack of support in this time when I am about to make a big shift.

A lot of times when people hear how much I travel they just assume that I must have a lot of money. Not really- I just have a credit card. I don't buy a lot of clothes or hardly ever get new shoes. I don't really go out much and I work like a dog. And then all my money goes to plane tickets and travel stuff. And when I get home I have to go straight back to work so I can do it all over again- yeah, it's really glamorous. I have $20 in my savings account. That's how rich I am. I AM lucky, because I get to do a lot of things that other people don't, but I still have dreams that are not being fulfilled, overall I'm not very healthy or relaxed, which I think would be different if I were rich! Delia was picking on me because she said, you travel to your class all the time, why can't you buy a new computer? I really don't see her reasoning. It's because all my money goes to my class, that's why I don't buy things, duh!

I have been feeling so poorly the last couple of days it's ridiculous. Tons of cramps that finally delivered my time at some point this morning- all I know is I woke up in pain and fumbled in the dark for meds, then tried to sleep but kept waking up with cramps and thinking, the pills have to have kicked in by now... they should be gone by now. I took a shower and for a minute I thought I might be able to accomplish something - I had given up the idea of pt job, but there's some books waiting for me at the library. And then some really bad cramps and nausea hit and I could just barely get myself together to leave the house and go to work. Usually once I get working (for myself) they get a little better, I don't know why. Maybe somehow it just takes my concentration. Anyway I was trying to get out of there before I ran into Luke but I saw him anyway (shit).

I just feel awful, I can't sleep, and when I do wake up I just hate myself. I hate my life right now and I hate my friends. I don't feel safe or loved by Gia and Thomas. I don't know why I hang out with Emily at all because I obviously don't like her- she's a big fake. And in general on a day to day basis I am miserable. I sit at home and binge all day, I feel like I will never lose weight or have a healthy body. I feel like I am on a never ending hamster wheel that I can't get off of. There is really no sweetness in my life. I can talk a good game but I just don't feel good. Ever. When is it going to get better? I thought after M left it might get better after a couple of years but really, it hasn't.

I officially erased my profile off the dating site, it wasn't fun for me, just too confusing and again, overwhelming. I guess I am just overwhelmed by life.

I am seriously considering skipping the next Serena class just to NOT have to spend money on the travel. I am tired and my credit card is high again. I can thank myself for pushing that stupid first class button. Gia and her mom always have a ladies' weekend in December but, I cannot just take a week off here and there every month because someone else wants me too. Plus I don't feel good about Gia right now. I don't feel good about the fact that I responded to her email right away, and suggested she call me, and I haven't heard from her. It just makes me feel like I am always waiting for her, like there is something missing in our friendship somehow. Some part that maybe she misses about how to connect with people.

I am truly miserable today.

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