#2

Yep, still awake. And... just had a little breakdown. I don't know why, I don't know why I can't just let go and allow things to be better for myself. I don't understand why something that happened four years ago can't just be in the past, why my heart can't heal and I can just move on somehow. I really just don't know.

Occasionally, I will look for M online. I tell myself that I would like to know where he is because I would like to get my things back. But I don't know what I would actually do if I really knew where he lived. Go to his house? I have already mailed him my request and called him on the phone, with no response.

There used to be a video of him on a website belonging to the dojo he was a part of. Then his video was gone for awhile. Occasionally I will still go and look at that website, because M does not have any kind of public profile on FB or anywhere else. There was a black and white video of the sensei practicing with some guy that looked just like M, but because they were moving so fast I couldn't really tell if it was him or not, especially since the instructor kept throwing him on his face. Then I clicked on a video of some other student giving a testimonial. The person holding the camera said, "Hi Bob," and Bob said, "Hi, M." And then M, who was obviously holding the camera, proceeded to ask Bob questions and conduct an interview. There was something about hearing M's voice- it just sent some charge through me... and... rage. Rage that he is still alive, breathing, making goofy videos with his dojo, laughter in his voice... and he IGNORES me. He hasn't returned my calls or my stuff. Just... nothing!!! Not even the simplest gesture of respect or closure!!! It makes me crazy... so crazy. And it really hits up against some old wounded part of me that just feels like a piece of shit. And when I get ignored or denied a response, that wound flares up, a deep pain, like nobody's business.

I don't know what I was thinking, that maybe he was still broken. Somehow, time has stood still for me in the area of my heart. I have spent the past few years plumbing the depths of my pain, my abandonment issues, that wound, trying to craft and sculpt myself into a fuller person, trying to be okay, to heal. I thought M had gone to his sister's and that maybe he was still there. But maybe he moved back to his old area and is still active in his dojo. I don't know what I thought- I don't think I was thinking very much. But, I guess the fact that he has *moved on* pisses me off and brings up a shitload of grief. The fact that he has done all that and PURPOSEFULLY ignored me just fucking hurts. Bad.

I don't know what else to do, how else to let go. I really have been trying, Diary, I really have.

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