Dear Diary,

Another day of struggle. I slept in very late because I was up till well past dawn. I thought about going to work and even got dressed, but then changed my mind. I called work to talk to my boss but she had called in sick anyway.

I went outside for a walk even though I felt so awful that I just wanted to get back home as soon as I could. I thought this feeling was over, but this is kind of how I felt in 2008. People preach about how selfish those who commit suicide are. But they obviously don't know the pain that a person like me feels. It is such an intense emotional pain that it becomes like physical pain. It is so intense that it numbs out all other sensation in the Universe. A beautiful fall day when the sun is shining. The love of family and friends. None of this is enough to sustain you anymore because none of this touches you anymore. You don't feel anything but pain. Period.

I went to the grocery store too and tried to buy intelligent things, not complete junk food. I got eggs so I could make french toast, which is one of my favorites, but I forgot to buy butter and didn't go back to the store, instead I ate some of the potato salad and other stuff that I bought.

I was feeling pretty bad so I called a friend of mine (the one that has been totally supportive of me quitting my job). I just asked for 5 minutes of his time, but we ended up talking for 45 minutes. I cried a lot. I actually started to feel a bit better, we talked about how some really big things could be healing for me right now. I was really glad I called because I finally felt some of that support I had really been longing for. Which reminds me Gia called when I was on the phone with my other friend. When I called her back a bit later though she did not pick up (I left her a message earlier today). So I still haven't spoken to her. Life feels so crazy and I am so tired that I don't even care if I stay at her house anymore. I don't think that she and I actually have any kind of problem but it's just something weird with Thomas.

In any case, that is all I have to say for today. Nothing much got done besides the fact that I have stayed alive another day. Maybe that is enough.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]