Dear Diary,

Oddly enough I had a dream about Tim this morning. Apparently he and Pam were on the outs. It felt like I was in high school, I was sneaking away to be with Tim. As in, romance-like? Weird. Somewhere in there was also a nearly-crushed, but still alive, butterfly I found amongst my dirty laundry. Read into that what you will.

Anyway, I bombed this day out too. My original plan- to go to work- I scrapped that. I was there forever yesterday, and really, in the deepest core of being, I just don't want to be there anymore. I guess that says a lot and supports the quitting thing. I know I am just dragging it out because of fear, but it is obvious that it's not good for me on many levels.

Also I did not get up to do laundry. I did hardly anything- well, a little work. Chatted with Doug online. Even though he has a gf now we got on the topic of why we weren't bf and gf, again. And, to make a long convo short, he just says he doesn't worry about time with someone, he is concerned with depth. In my opinion, depth comes with time- I've seen how Doug does relationships- fast and furious, his gfs moving in after a few months. And then he claims they have commitment issues or whatever. Not very self-reflective, that Doug. And, just more clear he's not for me. I'm interested in building a life with someone, and a relationship that can be sustained over time. He can claim he is interested in whatever, but I don't think he's very good at intimacy.

So that's that.

Gia called me this morning and we chatted; we didn't say anything about me staying there at all. Overall it was good because we talked about other aspects of our friendship and future projects together etc. So to me that speaks of Gia having good will toward me and wanting to remain friends. I felt a bit disappointed that she didn't broach the topic of me staying there at all (although neither did I). Not even in a "maybe we could work something out" kind of way. But, maybe Gia is not the best with conflict either, and maybe she is nervous about discussing it further. Or maybe $20 is just their bottom line (most likely Thomas' bottom line). And I tried to keep myself from getting too upset and taking it personally, because really, why should I? I tried to keep myself from going down the path of "feeling rejected"- after all, Gia was making it clear that I still have her. She still wants to come and stay with me in the spring. I called B and told him the story. He's probably one of the most supportive people in my life. Since it seems to be a theme in my life now to try and recognize where I can get real support, I turned to him.

And going to exercise class doesn't actually seem too appealing, knowing that people who hate me are there. But, Henry called to see if I was going- kinda like we are both on the fence and only want to go if the other is there. So I'm going. We'll stick together.

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