Dear Diary,

Woke up feeling exhausted this morning; and just kept falling back asleep. I think I am stressed on every level. I feel like I am still processing upset about Tim and Pam somehow.

Yesterday I had another session on the phone with the guy I talked to a couple weeks ago about money... well yesterday he basically told me I am in the wrong field. I don't know why but I felt severely shocked by that even though he pointed out that I have not made good money, my business has never taken off. He tried to use Alphie as an example of someone who is successful in the field; I didn't comment even though I know a lot of truths about Alphie such as he is always broke and living off women. I didn't feel like wasting a minute of my session time talking about him.

It was just something I was not prepared for. I thought we were going to talk about money again. I had done my "homework" and gone through my books to determine exactly what I made, including cash (which I never do). I had my little notebook and was all prepared to talk about that. Not about changing my career! But on some level maybe this guy is right. Most of the time I feel annoyed with my clients and can't wait to be done with them. I do like my presentations though; he said yes, it's okay and I'm good at it, but he doesn't get a sense of it bringing great joy to my heart. I am always saying there's no sweetness in my life, it's true. Presentations give me a feeling of accomplishment, but I guess they are something that I do primarily for other people. They're not filling that space in my life that feels so empty.

I was at the pt job yesterday and getting tons of shit done. Organizing and cleaning up all the accounts. I have paid off I think four credit cards since I've been there. The credit card situation has been tidied up nicely, even if the company is still way behind on paying vendors and always in the same amount of debt as before. In any case I am making sure everything is reconciled and I am busy working on a sheet that explains everything- all the accounts and how we utilize them. The owner's personal stuff and how it gets paid. All the passwords and usernames and methods that I can think of, usually entering them on my explanation sheet as I am doing them in daily life. I'm doing it as a favor to my boss, whom I really like, and also to the next person who takes my place, so that person will have an easier time than I did going into this job- where I had NOTHING to work with and everything was a fucking mystery to be solved. No thank you.

I stayed late to make it actually look like I was earning my keep. I was so hungry I went and got a burrito at the first place I saw. I think I might have been a little snappy to the girl behind the counter, my sugar was so low. I thought about going to the grocery store but when I went in there, they didn't have the bread I wanted, and there were huge lines, so I just said fuck it, I will buy waffles on the way home.

I am so tired every day but still staying up till at least 2am every night. I have no explanation for this other than I may be sabotaging myself on purpose, or I am feeling squeezed and somehow I think I am giving myself extra time and attention by staying up late. I know that probably doesn't make sense at all.

I could be freaking out and going to pt job today, but I told myself that I don't have to if I don't want to. That maybe I can do something sweet for myself. I know I should do laundry and clean my apartment. I have a bunch of stuff I could do just to settle myself. And maybe Steffy's brother will come over here at some point. It's a very long shot but you never know. That reminds me I have to shave my legs. Hmm.

Okay, I don't want to get sucked into a computer hole all day.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]