Dear Diary,

Well I bet you're not surprised to hear I didn't get anything done yesterday. Mostly a lot of lying in bed and crying. I called a couple of friends. I really wanted to get some things done, but I didn't. I feel so overwhelmed and trapped that I become frozen. I knew I *should* go to the laundromat but I told myself if I just prepared things and got up early to go that would be okay too.

Today when I woke up my eyes were very puffy and red. I look like shit. I have cleaned up a little but when I look at the reality of things, it's very unlikely that Steffy's brother is going to come over here at all. He has my email now (from the group email Steffy sent out) and he's made no move to contact me. What am I thinking? Somewhere in my fantasy I was hoping we can hook up, but when I look at the reality of the situation- going out to dinner, me working tomorrow...it doesn't feel like there's a lot of time to do that. Plus if he wanted to hang out he could have emailed me. Maybe I just have to give up the idea of that ever happening. It would be nice to have sex, but obviously it's not really in the stars if her brother just happens to be coming for the week that I'm gone. Plus, let's face it, I'm kind of a mess.

I finally did my sink full of dirty dishes, and cleaned the bathroom, and this morning at 9am I took half of my laundry to the laundromat- yes only half again. This time because I actually didn't have enough money to do all of my laundry (again, I don't know how Gia and Thomas expect me to pay $20 a day to stay at their house!). Now I realize that if I went to pt job now I could only be there for an hour... so is it worth it? I think not. I think I will take care of more things here, go to physical therapy, and maybe stop by there before I go to dinner. Either way it's a pain and out of the way but I suppose I should make an appearance before I disappear for a week.

Trying not to be stressed, trying not to be stressed...

Bethany came to my exercise class to drop something off the other day, and now she's talking about taking the class. I guess that's okay but truthfully I feel like this was my thing, my place to be myself and just have a thing for me... Bethany and I often overlap in work and life so much and often I feel that she expects me to take care of her. I just don't want it to be that way in this class. I don't think I really have the right to tell her that she can't attend, but also I'm wondering if I should just make it clear that things will be different in this class. Basically I don't want her clinging to me all the time- and I'm aware I will have to say it nicer than that. There's a good chance she won't like it anyway- there's a lot of stuff we do that's kind of hard on the body (a couple days we did judo rolls and I woke up so sore that I could barely move) and I know that Bethany struggled with simple yoga and has bad hands and wrists, so maybe it will just be too intense for her. I love my friend, I just don't want to lose something that's important to me.

Well, I guess I should do SOME things around the house before the rest of the day.

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