Dear Diary,

I did not go to exercise class today, feeling a bit worn out- maybe even on the verge of getting sick? I hope not. Was trying to determine if I was just lazy or really actually tired. I think it's the latter. A lot of being away from home, travel, etc, can catch up to a person.

I did go to pt job, after not having been there in more than a week. Things are only slightly messed up. I find I don't really care anymore. Now I am thinking, this is the last time I will have to do this, and this, and this... and I am so glad. When I was away from the job I was so worried about quitting and if it was the right thing. But when I am there I know that I can't stand it and it is not for me. I feel a mix of feelings bordering on craziness and like I just have to get away.

One of the guys must have invited a friend to work, at first I thought he was helping but then he left so I guess he was just visiting. He is pretty muscular and thick and brown as hot chocolate. My switch has been flipped and I was thinking.... hmmm...

See, you don't understand, Diary. I have gone without sex for a long time. And even for a long time before that. Because I stopped having casual sex in college, because I couldn't handle it. No matter how cool I thought I could be, I would overthink and start obsessing about that guy and become too attached and I was in BIG trouble. So then I had to always wait for Mr. Right to come along, make sure he was worthy and going to stick around awhile, this usually took a few months to determine and during that time we'd be having oral sex but not intercourse. Because intercourse would just throw me over the top.

Well. Now I have finally gotten my wish, which is the ability to have sex and still have myself, not get all crazy. And although I have thought about William... and how I wouldn't mind having sex with him again, I'm not really having any fantasies about him being my boyfriend or moving here or us building a life together (I had those fantasies about all my boyfriends, and guys like Smitten, whom I didn't have sex with and nothing really got off the ground, but I got all entangled with him anyway). In any case, I finally had sex and that a) proved to me I could do it b) made me feel more sexual and open to having more sex and c) has me relating my sex and fantasies to different things besides M.

The last one is a doozy. Because M had been the last guy I had a ton of sex with, it was like my last really good meal. Therefore for the past four years, a lot of my sexual fantasies and associations with sex were times I had with M. Sex with William wasn't what I would call spectacular, but I have a feeling if I had stayed here for a week we could have definitely gotten better at it. However he provided a new male body and some thoughts about that. The unfortunate part was being um, so out of practice, not technically but the fact that my body was maybe not prepared for the full-on nasty, and maybe we went too fast and I started feeling a little irritated, maybe from the condom or something but it was a little painful and not as enjoyable as it could have been. Damn.

I thought about texting William, but I don't really know the rules about casual sex nor casual sex with a friend's brother, and if his one phone call was the closer and maybe it would be in bad form to just text and say something about him being back home again. I really don't know so I didn't.

But I decided I need to get into better practice anyhow, that means practicing at home so if I do happen to have the opportunity to have sex again, none of this irritation and all that. Ha. I do have the instruments to help me do that. But as I was, ahem, engaging in that activity I had a real epiphany that is almost embarrassing, but I am going to tell it to you anyway.

I realized there is a part of me that all this time, has thought that M was going to come back.

That was why I was so upset when I saw that video and heard his voice a couple of weeks ago... I just realized that although I may have openly denied it, in my heart, I thought/hoped that M has been struggling all this time too, as much if not more than I have, and that someday he was coming back. I realized I never really shut the door on that relationship, believing it to be over for good- I have seriously just been biding my time over someone who, once again, has moved on. Holy fuck. When I feel it in my body and my mind, when I think of past boyfriends I get the definite feeling of done, done, done, don't care what they're doing who they are with how they feel. I am separate from them. But with M I feel like I left the back door open, I get the visual of screen door flapping in the wind, just waiting for him to come back. I can't tell you how HUGE this realization has been for me. In a way I have known it but now I am FEELING it and saying why of course I haven't been meeting anyone else... that door is not for them. So in my mind I purposefully shut that door. It's tricky. I haven't put M's numbers into my new phone and therefore I haven't dialed him either. Am I really willing to let go? It may require another layer of grief, but yes. I can't live like this anymore- working at a job I hate, with no lover, carrying a torch for somebody who has had every opportunity to show up and do the right thing by me- and I'm talking about the common courtesy of returning my things, not "coming back" to me per se- and he has not. Four years. Holy crap.

So now I'm interested to see what will happen since I've shut that door. More possibilities? I hope so.

Love,
Duck

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