dreams and seeing Pam [ 2011-12-20, 1:15 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I haven't written because I guess I felt just too tired to type.

I had a very intense dream a few nights ago. It involved a Native American chief or medicine man... I think we were talking, and maybe he gave me something. Smitten was there- and the indian left with Smitten. I was upset that they left me behind. The next thing I knew I woke up in the backseat of a car, there was a blond man driving. He was quite rigid and would only look straight ahead. I was upset, and demanded to know where was I? Where we going? And he replied, "You killed yourself in your past life, and we are not going to let you do that again." I thought for a minute and said, "Yes. You know, I think I killed myself in three or four of my past lives." And then I woke up. But the whole thing was so intense that it made quite and impact on me.

The next night I dreamt that I was in the presence of Tim and Pam. Pam was kind of cruel to me and said something about me not being thin... I was determined to get back at her and so I threatened to tell her the finale of Desperate Housewives. She got very upset and begged me not to. It was a ridiculous dream.

Today I went to exercise class. I was expecting Tim to be there, but was also surprised to see Pam. I saw them before they saw me, and I had to make sure to steel myself up a bit. I said hello in their general direction, and they did the same, but Pam made no move to really connect, say hello, respond about my phone call, or thank me for the shirt I gave her. When we had to split up for partner practice, she and Tim worked together. I have been feeling flashes of anger at the both of them- I don't know why- but the whole thing is ridiculous- I mean, I APOLOGIZED. They won't even talk to me about the real problem. They treat me like I've done something really, really horrible when the fact is I have not. It's good for me to get in touch with my anger, I think... and at some point I realized, SHE'S AFRAID OF ME! It was quite a realization. Pam is a coward! This made me feel more powerful, I know not so good combined with my anger, but the truth is I am stronger than Pam. And Tim, too... I think he is afraid of me too, although his method would be to attack and blame rather than shrink away like Pam does. I am usually so afraid of conflict, that I have never really processed the fact that other people can be intimidated by me.

So other than that... it's just been life. I've been going to work. On Friday, Bethany came over for four hours and helped me to clean out my desk and put all manner of papers, products and craft supplies in plastic bins. It was long and arduous but having somebody here to help at least insured that the job would get done. The place still looks quite messy, but I'm on my way to restructuring my house and workspace. I threw away a lot of papers and stuff.

Saturday after working at the pt office, I grabbed a snack with Emily. She had two margaritas. We talked about several things, my life and hers. She has officially given notice at her job and will be moving abroad to live with Mr. G by the end of next month. Mr. G has been having some kind of health problems which was making Emily nervous. Callie and I both think it's because he's freaking out about making a commitment. Apparently he still never wants to have sex either; he keeps saying he is too stressed. I have never really met a man who is too stressed to have sex- I mean really. With one exception- Frank. Mr. G sounds exactly like Frank, we started out hot and heavy, and the more intimate we became, the more he got freaked out and shut down. I think Mr. G is the same kind of man, and I can't imagine it will get better when Emily moves in. But oh well, she is going for it.

Love,
Duck

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