Dear Diary,

Well today was a bit of a weird day. I finally did my laundry, which was a huge accomplishment. I probably haven't done laundry since the second week of November. It's been awhile, and I've been wearing all my weird socks.

But I got a little confused- I knew I had an appointment with the acupuncturist today, but somehow I messed it up in my mind about what time I was supposed to leave... and I realized, I was leaving the house at the TIME of my appointment. It was so messed up- I called and tried to see if I could still come in, but I was told no. So I made an appointment for tomorrow.

And while I was doing laundry (which was so out of control I had to make two trips to the laundromat to get everything there) I also baked a batch of cupcakes to bring to work. Crazy, huh? But I thought I was going to my appointment and just figured it would be easier to frost them and bring them tomorrow. Now I'll still be running to my appointment AND carrying cupcakes AND dropping stuff off at Bethany's work. I really have cut out a complex day for myself. But I want to do everything early and get it out of the way so I can just come home and pack.

I went to pt job today and the mood was jovial to say the least. I hardly did anything except reconcile the gigantic credit card bill. By 5pm everybody wanted to start drinking so I guess they were doing shots. And a couple of the staff gave everyone presents, and still others baked cookies. The owner remarked it was the most christmasy group he'd ever had working there. He even gave me a gift, a giant box of chocolate. I feel like a shit because I am always angry at him. I am always angry in general, maybe for no reason. In any case people are who they are, and I get angry because they are not different. It struck me that I really do have it okay. And I could stay at the job if I wanted, if I refused to let it stress me. Of course I don't want to be there 30 hours a week. But if I changed my attitude, it doesn't have to be extremely painful either. In any case I have realized that my anger hurts me the most and really doesn't accomplish anything. (I did actually do 10 minutes of anger-releasing exercises this morning- something I have to try to do every morning!)

We all went out to dinner, it was really good food. Everyone but me got pretty drunk very fast because they were doing shots. Alcohol doesn't sit well with me so I only had a sip of champagne (my boss stole it from me afterward so I didn't get to drink any more- she was concerned because I told her I don't drink). I just did my normal addictive behavior which was overeating, not so great, but... there was talk of going to karaoke, which I was totally down for, but first they were going to go to some nightclub, which I didn't want to do. I knew that the nightclub scene would probably stretch out for a few hours and even my boss told me, there's not much probability that karaoke will happen if we go out drinking. So I bailed, stopped at a store, and went home.

I'm really done Christmas shopping. I am still supposed to get a gift for the family exchange game. In general I have found that I really didn't like shopping that much this year. I hardly got Delia anything, and sent her and Bud a very small package (at the unbelievable shipping price of $20!). I told myself I could send her more but I am kind of done spending money, really. I worked last night (with my client that never really goes away) so I have rent now and I can pay some bills- that's good. And I actually wrote an email I've been putting off forever. Maybe I will actually start going back to work, who knows?

I guess even though I complain about not doing much, I have been catching up. The laundry. And I washed a huge pile of disgusting, embarrassing dishes this evening.

I've been reading a very interesting book about blood sugar, low thyroid and all kinds of issues that I'm pretty sure I have. It recommends a bunch of products and stress-relieving techniques to help women be healthier. I am seriously considering getting this certain product that helps to stabilize blood sugar. I need it! I have been eating candy bars again because I go into stress mode and crave sugar unbelievably. I have to break the cycle somehow.

Oh, and today I sent photos in the mail to Shana. If you remember, when I first moved out of my parents' house, I moved in with friends Shana and Bruce. It went okay for awhile but soon it was kind of like living with my parents. I really didn't know what needed to be done in a house or exactly what Shana wanted me to do, but she would get mad at me all the time because I wasn't doing things right, or the way she wanted- even though she wanted me to read her mind and I was so confused and scared because she never gave me clear instructions. Also, I think she was upset because her husband, Bruce, didn't really give her what she wanted emotionally and she was trying to get that from me. In any case it ended badly. Although it seemed like we ended on good terms, I was very stressed and couldn't wait to escape and move away. Then afterward, Shana contacted me and said that something I had done had ruined the wall in the house and I owed them money. It didn't make any sense and when I tried to find out if I was really at fault, Shana got all mad at me and flipped out- she was like that (one time I locked my room and, rather than asking me why, she went into this tirade about how I was a horrible person and if I didn't trust her I could just move the fuck out- in an email... she just assumed a whole bunch of stuff and never actually asked me why my room was locked- she just created some story and went into flip-out mode). Anyway, things were never right after that. She stayed mad at me. I really loved their two kids, who were four and two at the time I lived with them. I took care of them a lot and played with them, and watching them get parented helped to heal me a lot too. I had such a great relationship with them, and even though things were weird with Shana, I used to send them presents on their birthdays, things I knew they would like. But it got hard. I would have to track the packages because there was really no communication with Shana, and the kids were growing and I started having no real idea what they were into anymore, so it became harder to buy them gifts. Actually it was more and more depressing to send packages and never hear if they got there or if the kids enjoyed them, and I decided to stop torturing myself. I did call a couple of times, and Bruce really had no hard feelings about me. Once I called after 9/11... it was that time when people would call each other and try to repair things... and I talked to Bruce and then he had to work really hard to convince Shana to get on the phone with me. She did, but I guess her anger at me never really went away.

I stopped talking to them or even trying, but a while ago I gathered all the pictures that I had of the family, at least the ones I wasn't in. Some Shana had sent me when the kids were just born, others when we were penpals and she would send me photos of them growing up, and some when we lived together. I had planned to mail them to Shana because I remember saying something to her like, "This picture is so cute, don't you want it?" and she said, "I know the pictures of my kids will come back to me." This of course was in the days before everybody had an email address and all pictures were digital! In any case, I had searched out both Shana and Bruce on FB and it seemed they had moved, so I called Ramel and asked him if he had an address for them so I could send the photos. He informed me that Bruce got sober a couple of years ago, and left the family. Shana took the kids and lives with her mom. So they're not even together anymore. That seems pretty intense in itself. It seems that Bruce has pretty much cut himself off from all of his friends, but I guess he sees his kids regularly. Hard to believe that little 2 year old girl is now about 14 with a nose ring... she looks so much like Shana. I guess I was not destined to be part of their lives anymore than I was. For a long time I would dream a lot about Bruce and Shana. Not for awhile though now.

In any case, I sent the photos to Shana. She's probably still mad at me to this day, but whatever. I had no use for those photos anymore, and I'm on a kick to get rid of things that don't serve me or just evoke bad memories. I wrote her a note that basically said, "I thought you would like these pictures of the kids when they were little, hope you and the family are well." And that was it. No hopes of trying to continue a friendship with her.

More letting go, and learning to let people be mad at me if they want to.

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