Hi Diary,

Been working a bunch. I've officially gone "back to work," putting things on my calendar.

Pam and Tim didn't show up to the next round of exercise class either, and that was nice. PT job has been kind of draggy. We are getting ready for the audit (slowly but surely). I still have so much to do but I had the worst cramps of my life today. I hope I don't have them tomorrow, because that is the day I have to finish piles and piles of crap.

Last Wednesday I went to the naturopathic doctor. Around Thanksgiving, Callie bitched at Red about not being a good friend to me. Red felt bad and was praying for me, and while he was doing that, another friend named Amanda called and told Red about this amazing ND she was seeing. Red got an intuitive hit that this ND could help me. Amanda lives nearby and she agreed to drive me there too when she went- and Red even offered to pay for the first session. So bright and early on Wednesday Amanda came over and we drove up there. I liked the ND, she is very smart and did a thorough checkup. She said I have a leaky gut and parasites. Which I am not really surprised about because I have done a lot of traveling and have suspected parasites anyway- last time I did a cleanse, I wasn't very adamant and on top of my probiotics either. She also detected some kind of virus and a problem with yeast. She said my adrenals are completely burnt out (no surprise there- I think we knew that) and it seemed like my liver was struggling too (another thing I knew from a prior blood test too). But she said the most important thing was to work on the parasites and virus because it has compromised my immune system too much. Once we clear these things up we can address all the other issues and my body will have more energy.

I felt so much RELIEF just having somebody listen, answer my questions and also UNDERSTAND how exhausted I am. I am soooo fucking tired and I don't know if people really know what fatigue feels like. Basically it is like waking up tired and wanting to get back in your bed when you are making it because you never feel rested. That's what it feels like. It also felt good to get help, and have a plan. I felt so grateful for Red and Amanada helping me out so I could do this.

Yes, I was feeling good until I told Emily about it. I guess I told her I was going. I told her everything the ND said and she was just... negative. She sounded doubtful and asked if the woman had a website and said things like, "well I would have to look that up" because she is taking an herbal course and ever since she started going to school, she is like a know-it-all college freshman. I feel this massive disapproval from her and I know, because she's said so, that she thinks I should go to a "real doctor". Okay. That is her belief system.

In case nobody remembers, I have been quite traumatized by western medicine in the past, and it's true I get really triggered and don't have much trust in it. I know it is good for many things, but my first choice will always be alternative medicine (unless I have a broken bone or something that is really an emergency). One, I don't have the money to go to a dr. who may or may not detect the things the ND has, and even if they didn't know what was wrong would give me prescription medications which I won't take. I haven't taken antibiotics in over 15 years, and I would not do so, again, unless it was very serious. I will not take prescription anything because of the massive side effects. I know they would just try to give me ambien or something, which would treat the symptoms of insomnia but not the cause. There is always the possibility to get another blood test if these natural therapies don't seem to be working; I know my options and I will make choices for myself. I'm not really interested in someone else's opinion of what I should do. Between this doctor and my new acupuncturist, this feels good to me, it feels like I am taking charge and getting help and support. I did not feel supported with western medicine, and certain conditions would have to be met before I would consider finding somebody in that realm to work with. Period. I was not asking Emily for help. I was telling her about my experience. And one thing I can't stand is when people try to tell me what to do when I haven't even asked their opinion.

Today I guess I made the same mistake with Steffy because she knew I was going and asked me about it. I told her everything. She was more polite, but asked that considering everything, was I considering going to a doctor? I said not really. I explained my point and she was very respectful, but I suddenly felt very overwhelmed and a lot of grief too. I think I had some memories coming up about not being supported during my surgery, and that same feeling that I just want to figure out what is best for me and why can't my friends just support me when I make my choices. So I went down my list of people who might really listen: Red and Callie didn't answer. I tried Gail and when she answered I said, "Can you just listen to me for 5 minutes?" She said she could and she did a really good job. I told her about my experience with the ND, how I felt good about it, and then how I felt unsupported by my friends. She didn't interrupt, and afterword she was very supportive and said lots of positive things about how I was doing right by myself. Sometimes, if I tell Gail exactly how I would like to be supported, she's not so bad at all.

I feel like I have a lot of anger at Emily in general. She calls and says she wants to make plans with me- very often we make tentative plans, or what seems like plans, and when I call to confirm never picks up her phone and I guess she doesn't listen to messages at all. Even though she told me she was going to meet me at work on Sunday, she didn't. And she didn't call or text to tell me she changed her mind either. Everything seems to revolve around her schedule. I often feel that I can't say anything because she makes more money and has treated me to a lot of things. But that's still not right. And well I guess I judge things about her, but I keep my mouth shut and instead write them in my diary. Just like she doesn't approve of my health choices, I don't really approve of her stupid greasy boyfriend, but you don't see me harshing on her decisions. So there.

On Saturday I went over to Jerry's. Originally Jerry was going to have a big party because he is moving out of his apartment. He asked for my help because, truthfully, Jerry couldn't organize himself out of a paper bag, poor thing. I started to help him plan a big party, but at the last minute he was feeling a lot of stress and said he just wanted to make it a small affair. Okay. He said he was taking care of the invitations, and I reminded him to tell people to bring food. I texted him as I was leaving PT job to ask him if he needed anything. He asked for three things to make tea, which meant I had to go to the grocery store. They didn't have what I needed, so I had to go to a second store. Of course I was running into all kinds of trouble and finding myself in the longest and slowest lines. Then I got on the bus I would normally take and, I guess they changed the bus line because I found myself in the total wrong part of town. I was so late, and so confused, that I was close to tears. I took a cab to Jerry's, but even the cab couldn't cross the main highway because of construction, so I had to walk part of the way. It took me almost two hours to get to Jerry's! I felt so bad because I had told him I would help and then I was sooo late!

But it was fine because it wasn't much of a party. Jerry said that he had invited three additional people. One woman flaked and didn't show. There were two other women and neither one of them brought anything to eat. I had made cupcakes and brought the things for tea. What the hell. One of the women went downstairs to the convenience store on the corner and brought back orange cheese, fried shrimp chips and salami slices. Why are people so lame about potlucks? So lame! I felt kind of bad for Jerry because I wanted things to be beautiful for his farewell- he was saying goodbye to his home of 9 years. I helped decorate by lighting lots of candles and putting them everywhere. One of the women seemed kind of self-important to me so I didn't feel like it was a great conversation. We danced around the apartment a bit (it is a HUGE apartment- wish I could afford it!!) and sat around and Jerry and I even snuggled a bit. I left by about 11pm because I had to work for myself in the morning.

The next day I had cramps all day and had to work too. I also had a date of sorts. Last week a guy asked me to lunch. I first "met" him on FB through mutual work friends. Sometimes we would comment on each other's threads, but I hadn't met him in person until a big Halloween party in 2010. I remember because we kind of made a joke that we were both real, meeting in person. After that, several months ago, I saw him at my work. And I even said to Bethany, "I kind of think he's cute." So last week I was going through all my FB messages and attempting to answer them (because I am very lame about getting back to people on FB) and he had sent me a little message saying, "Hi!" which I never answered. So I think I sent him a smiley face or something. Then he asked me out to lunch. I asked him if this was a date or if he wanted to pick my brain (occasionally clients or potential clients will invite me to lunch to try to get advice for free- it makes me nuts- and I was just going to be clear that that wasn't happening). He responded that it was neither- asking for a date would be too presumptuous and picking someone's brain would be too clinical. He said he just wanted to get to know me.

And so we originally made plans for Saturday, but he had to cancel because of some work thing so I agreed to make it for Sunday even though I was working my ass off. He invited me to his apartment building which has a restaurant on the top. What I realized when I got there was that this guy has money. (He works for a hedge fund, I found out later). I was a little bit self conscious of my clothes and everything, feeling a little weird. I mean I dressed up but my clothes are cheap. I got a little vegetable thing for brunch and it cost about $25 (of course he paid). True to his word, he asked me lots of questions about myself including where I grew up, what kind of family did I have, how did I get involved in the work I was doing.

I didn't really find myself strongly attracted to him. I usually like taller guys, and he's okay looking but not extremely handsome like Don or M or Alphie was. But at this point I am telling myself that I don't need to have a strong physical attraction right away because, remarkably, I have dated so many beautiful men (some of them even did some modeling or acting) and look where that got me. I am taking a tip from my sister Delia, who told me she knew her husband wasn't the handsomest man in the world but she also knew he was going to love her when she got old. I am ready just to have someone in my life even if it's not Mr. Forever. Plus he's obviously very intelligent, successful, in shape, and told a few funny stories himself. So not all bad.

I couldn't really tell if it was a date or not, even at the end. We were there two hours and I realized I had to get going in order to get to work on time. I felt like he would have spent even more time with me if time allowed. He walked me to the door and hugged me goodbye. Gail seems to think he'll be calling me again.

Sunday was a bust, I worked so hard and hardly anyone came to my presentations, it was a very long day and even though I took ibuprofen I had such terrible cramps all day long. Today I just couldn't function. I even got dressed thinking I was going to work, but it just wasn't happening. It's been pretty severe and constant. The ND also said I had endometriosis, and I don't know if the acupuncture had an effect, or my body is already getting better, but it feels like my uterus was working so hard today. Phew.

So me and my uterus are going to bed.

Love,
Duck

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