Dear Diary,

What a day.

I worked a lot all weekend, presentations on Friday and Sunday, and a private client on Saturday. On Saturday night, I went to a spa with Emily and her cousin. It was a really nice place. Emily had a gift certificate that of her coworkers had given her for Christmas. We used the steam room and hot tub and then got massages. It was a place I personally could not afford on my own and I delighted in every minute of it.

Last night I was so tired I went to bed at 9:30, but then I woke up at 2am and couldn't get back to sleep. I got up and made some cupcakes to take to work and to exercise class. I probably went back to bed around 6 and slept till 10, then I went into pt job. Which was fine- Mondays are quiet and slow days, and I did organize some papers for the audit that is still continuing.

On the way to work I called Gia. She has called me a couple of times, and also she wrote me a letter. Nothing very detailed or specific, but more like chattering about her garden, saying that she was really not good at making phone calls and, I guess, that she wanted to connect somehow. I have been feeling like something is really off with us, but nobody is talking about it. It started last summer, when I took some classes off. It felt like if I didn't keep the conversations happening, nobody would call or reach out to me. Then in July when I called Thomas for his birthday, he told me he was having some problems with me. Then I saw them briefly at some point in the fall, and I thought we had made some kind of agreement about what would feel good about me staying with them. I thought things would be better, but then I got that email from Gia stating that she and Thomas had changed their minds about the agreement and come up with a new plan for me to pay them $20 a day. I realize now that having that conversation via email was a mistake. It wasn't addressed among the three of us, like the original agreement, and it was never really addressed again.

So this phone call- was okay, even though I was feeling some distance. The last time I had seen Gia, I was supposed to have a two hour massage with her (as an exchange for all the work I had done helping her get more clients). I was staying with Stacey at the time, and there was some kind of miscommunication about me getting the car, so it happened that I wouldn't get it until an hour later than I had planned. I called Gia first thing in the morning and let her know that I would have to leave an hour later, and asked if I could push my massage back one hour. She replied that she didn't have enough time to give me a two hour so it would have to be one hour. In truth, by the time I got there, I was even 15 minutes late for that, so I got 45 minutes. Okay. Today I asked if I still had an hour with her (since we cut the whole massage by an hour). Her response was- no. She said that her policy was usually that if someone missed their appointment they would have to pay for it. And basically she said, "I don't see why I should have to work harder because your friend couldn't give you the car."

Can I just tell you, Diary, that I was incredibly hurt by her response. I get it- I have clients too, and I know about 24hr notice. BUT, I also thought we are friends. I mean, Gia KNOWS me. She knows I would never purposefully blow her off, she knows I really need that bodywork, and she knows how hard I worked for that exchange. So yes, Stacey messed up and I couldn't get the car, but Stacey doesn't really suffer for it (as a client normally would and learn a lesson about giving notice), but rather, I suffer for it instead. I guess I just thought that as I hard as I worked for her, maybe she would be a little bit flexible with me. I felt like I wanted to cry right then, but when she said that I said, oh, okay, that makes sense. And then we finished up the conversation somehow and said goodbye and hung up.

I get it, I know that that's her boundary, and I guess I can't really argue with that. But it made me realize that I have been over giving- I have always been very excited about spending time with Gia and would give up my classes because she wanted to spend her time a certain way when she was here. I would make sure to pick her up from the airport and take her to all the appointments, she never had to figure anything out for herself. I guess I thought that because I gave her my all that she would at least be flexible with me. And I was wrong, and very disappointed. And yes, after that phone call I did cry a bit. What can I say.

Maybe the friendship as I know it is just over. It just seems like all of a sudden nobody likes what I am about. I feel like Thomas and Gia want me to be somebody I am not, and I am not interested in doing that. And I guess we have different definitions of friendship and how to deal with stuff.

In any case I dusted myself off and went to exercise class. It was okay, Pam and Tim were there and if I'm not mistaken it seems that Pam is actually making an effort to be nice to me. It's all so confusing, I don't want to fool myself into thinking that they want to be friends again.

The weird thing? The guy I went for coffee with last week made me a valentine. Uh... so awkward. He printed this thing up on the computer that said "You are beautiful!" and on the inside was a funny cartoon that at least I could laugh about. But this guy is just mush over me and I don't really know him nor do I feel that way about him. I didn't really interact with him much in class, and then he left early without saying goodbye to me, so that was okay. But really. Whenever he stands next to me it's like he's trying to mush right into me. A bit weird. And if that wasn't bad enough, I think I might have a little crush on another guy, who has kind of been my friend since I started the exercise class. Just lately I have started to think he is kind of cute. I know he recently got a girlfriend but never told me and doesn't even really talk about her.

Who knows.

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