Okay Diary,

I have been trying to write this entry for three days now, but something keeps happening that makes it disappear.

On Friday I went to lunch with Marva and Bethany. I didn't really want to go. I feel like I have no time and even when someone invites me to do something that is supposed to be "fun", I just get overwhelmed. I guess that is a sign that I have not been making adequate time for myself. Lunch was okay, mostly I was quiet while Bethany and Marva talked. I also gave Marva a belated birthday gift, a sweater that someone bought Delia and it didn't fit, so she sent it to me... it was just Marva's type. Thank heavens for regifting.

After lunch we went to have foot massages. Marva had gotten some kind of deal on foot massages for us. It was nice, but it seemed that Marva and Bethany got the gentle practitioners and I got the guy that was doing major reflexology on me. I suppose it was good, with all my health issues now... but it was pretty painful. I just had to breathe through it and I considered it practice for if I ever decide to do natural childbirth.

On Saturday and Sunday I did a dance seminar in the morning and afternoons. It was a LOT of exercise which was great, but I seem to be having new pains in my feet which I do not like at all. I just don't think I can handle more body issues and problems, I really don't! On Saturday night my friend Neil, from my Mon/Tues exercise class, came over to my place to practice some of our martial arts drills. It was nice, and I made dinner. I am getting really good at making roast chicken. I can roast the shit out of a chicken, lemme tell ya.

On Sunday night I had to work. Today I had a client in the morning. It worked out all fine. I thought I would go to pt job today but... I just don't wanna. I'm sooo over it. I know I need the money but... it sucks. Instead I stayed home for a bit and did nothing. Then I went to the post office and mailed some packages (sending away lots of books and things I don't want anymore- the purging continues!!) . I was going to go out, it seemed too late to go to pt job- I'll just go tomorrow- but also I forgot my shirt for exercise class. So I came back to get it.

I guess I'll go get my eyebrows done and stop by Jen's birthday dinner (I don't want to go to a big group dinner because I always end up paying for far more than what I ate- don't you hate that??) and then exercise class. I got a voicemail from Petra on Saturday. She said she was calling to catch up, and that also she wanted to apologize and explain about what happened when she and Michael ran into Alphie. She said "I will never tell Michael about anything my friends tell me. He put me on the spot when we were with Alphie. It caused a really big disconnect with me and Michael, and he's sorry now, but I think Alphie may have written you and email, and I'm sorry about that too."

I am not really angry at Petra. I knew it was Michael that is always stirring up the drama. I left her a message thanking her for the apology and telling her that there was no need to explain what happened, from her message I could pretty much figure it out. Also, I didn't tell her but I have made my vow never to utter Alphie's name to her, Michael, or Russell ever again. Period.

I have been bingeing terribly. I think it is all my rage about the Alphie situation. I hate how I never really feel heard by him and I just have to give up in arguments like this with him. I hate how he is so charismatic and people really believe that he is perfect and sensitive. It makes me so upset. I guess when I am upset it is my default that I punish myself by eating terribly. Not a good move, I know.

I guess I will just have to start again, one day at a time, maybe try to punch some pillows instead.

Gonna go now before THIS entry disappears...

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]