Hi Diary,
Well I procrastinated as much as humanly possible but now I am going to work, because I have to (dammit). I was right about last night, I didn't even break even, ended up that I had to pay to work. Sigh. A bit of a drag, that is.
So the guy I went out with a couple weeks ago, the young but polite one, had asked me out last week via email- which was just weird- I mean he has my phone number- granted he knows I am not really into texting so one would think if he was that interested he would just CALL me. It took me a few days to respond because, truthfully, I have 5 email accounts, one of them business related, plus the dating site "message center". Anyway I did tell him that Sunday should work and he could call me to set something up. I never heard from him and sat home most of Sunday, so maybe he decided I wasn't really worth pursuing, which is fine. Another guy contacted me via the dating site and asked me to dinner (via text). I texted back that that should work, and I would also like to hear his voice before we met up so would he be willing to call me to choose a day to meet? What did he do- he texted me back, �Oh yeah that sounds great, what do you think of Tuesday for a tentative day for dinner?� Um. What the hell is wrong with people? I�m not sure if this is what dating has become, never calling anyone or talking to them on the phone, and using the lamest forms of communication? I am trying to decide if I should still meet Tim even though he obviously is not very good at hearing or honoring my requests... on one hand it might be good practice to meet a guy and work on accurately assessing the situation without going into fantasy or being seductive. I mean, that�s a job right there. I don�t necessarily think I am going to meet the love of my life right now, and anyway, I�m planning on moving by the end of the year.
In other news, I got another email from Alphie last night. It was right after I did my dance class and my martial arts exercise class, I was tired and that didn't help. He started off by saying, "I do forgive you because I want to forgive people I love." To me this just feels like he is sitting on a throne and passing judgment, like he has never done anything in his life to be forgiven for. In any case right after that he went on to describe yet another incident in which I am supposedly implicated. He said he wasn't able to get a job because (he heard) a friend of a friend of the director of the institution had said that a female of my position said he had no integrity. That nobody could remember anybody's name (conveniently)- lacking in detail but (conveniently) with enough detail that it could sound like me. Honestly Diary if I could remember doing something like that I would tell you, but I don't remember. However I do feel that I am continuously on trial here... who knows, I MAY have not recommended him if it was the same year one of my clients called me to tell me that he had been inappropriate with her. But I wouldn't even want to say that because he would just assume that meant yes definitely, and I am not taking credit (or blame) for anything I'm not absolutely sure about. He also mentioned telling Ben and Marie everything that was written in his last email, despite the fact that I had said they were embellished statements.
In any case I stayed up late writing a draft of my response, with a point-by-point breakdown of every accusatory statement he has made. This means exposing every bad thing I have heard about Ben and Marie's training. Basically I feel that I am writing the email to three people anyway: Alphie, Ben, and Marie. If Alphie really wants to share everything, he can do so. Although something tells me he will never share anything that makes him look bad.
It occurred to me that here I am soul-searching and second-guessing myself in a way that Alphie never does. A friend of mone pointed out, "more than fair isn't fair". I am very clear that I don't want to apologize anymore. I've done that enough.
To be continued...
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