#2

Thanks Beanie, for the note, maybe you are right...

After a long day of going to the gym, to pt job, to dance class, and martial arts class, I guess it finally hit me how utterly pissed I am about Alphie's stupid email. He tells me in one line that he loves me- the next he is blaming me YET AGAIN for some vague twisted thing and at the same time trying to make me feel GUILTY because some company didn't hire him.

I came home and beat some pillows and screamed my lungs out (poor neighbors) and I feel a bit better. I just told him to go fuck himself over and over again.

Despite his many years of working with Serena, it doesn't seem he's changed much at all. He is still selfish and manipulative. That is just true! He wants everyone to believe he is so "in integrity". If indeed THAT was true then the proof would be in the pudding and it wouldn't matter what anyone said, would it? Fuck him and fuck Ben. Gail even said, isn't it funny how these two big men even care what we think or say? In a way, yes it is. I don't even know if I am going to work in this field anymore so really, what do I care if they cut off business ties with me? If they are out of integrity it actually hurts me more to be associated with them.

I just went and ate something and took a shower. I feel better. Still pissed, but better. I won't send my email when I am this angry. It is a stupid argument anyway but part of me wants them all to SEE that I KNOW WHAT THEY'VE BEEN UP TO! Duh. I know about that client with Alphie, I know all the debauchery that goes on at Ben and Marie's trainings. Are we just supposed to pretend we don't know and cover for their lifestyle??? Fuck them.

So, I wrote a message to the guy that wants to meet me tomorrow. If he keeps the date, I'll have a story to tell, at least.

Love,
Duck

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