due to the high cost of butter... [ 2012-04-05, 9:03 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Had trouble sleeping last night- I made few mistakes. One was working on my email to Alphie (which I still haven't sent). Another was staying up too late watching "Running With Scissors" and maybe when I stay up past a certain point it prevents me from falling asleep. And then somehow I was trolling the Internet so I could convince myself that people like Angelina Jolie are really not that beautiful. And then I slept for a couple hours and hit the snooze button a bunch of times before I got up.

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention the bingeing. I was doing pretty well yesterday- I went to the gym even though GymMan was not there and I did weights and elliptical on my own. I went to work and then to the store because I have been eating cow butter for the last few days and I'm not supposed to. The goat butter they had there was ten dollars! I couldn't believe it. Normally it is six. This threw me into such a funk that I mindlessly bought some (gluten free) cookies and milk and ate almost one container of cookies on the way home. Then I didn't even eat a real lunch or dinner all day, but cookies. And when I couldn't sleep, I got up and ate most of the other box of cookies. Okay, major eating disorder behavior going on here! I know when I eat I am really stuffing my feelings so I tried to figure out what I was feeling. I realized I am exhausted and unhappy. I hate my job and being broke and running around all the time.

Today I just tried to make it a new day... I went to the gym. I had to stop at the post office and was a little late, but I slogged through and did all my leg exercises even though I was yawning the whole time. Then I went to Oscar's for lunch. He is nice and all but I always feel like he will want me to take my clothes off at any moment.

Then I went to work. I actually did organize some receipts but in the middle I got tired. I just went to a different store. They have the knd of butter I usually buy and it is still six dollars. Phew. Plus I had a gift card. No need to downward spiral and binge out due to the high cost of butter.

I am supposed to hang out with Ginny tomorrow. I feel a lot of pressure to get myself together. Ack.

Love,
Duck

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