Emily was here last week. It seems kind of telling that she came here less than two months after moving in with her guy, but she is the sort to always say things are okay when they might not actually be that great. I gave her a book about men and women that I was really impressed with and I�m hoping it will help her get clear. As usual all the signs point to him really being afraid of intimacy but Emily doesn�t really want to hear that. We talked about it and she kept saying, "Do you really think that's it? That he's afraid of intimacy?" like she had never heard of the concept before. It�s kind of amazing but I know myself having been in a place like that and just trying really hard to make everything work and ignoring the signs. In any case it was nice to hang out when she was here, one day I went to her apartment (that she kept here but rents out to friends) and we spent a rainy Sunday indoors doing nothing. Another day we went to dinner at a very fancy place. We had all these great appetizers� I am inspired with new ways to make asparagus� and I had short ribs that melted in my mouth. So amazing! The hard part as always is saying no to sugar, especially in such an upscale place where you know everything is so good.

Ah, a weird thing in exercise class last week. Tim and Pam showed up on Tuesday. It�s not unusual for me to have to work with Pam and I had noticed that last time that she seemed like she was being a little nicer to me� but this Tuesday that was happening and Tim actually seemed like he was trying to be nice to me too. Not in the same way as Pam, but rather, he noticed me and another guy practicing a specific move and he came over to help and explain it. The difference was he was actually making eye contact with me for the first time since the end of September. It kind of blew my mind and I didn�t know what to think of it.

Then on Friday I went up to the lake, I was hanging with some friends up there and I heard that Tim and Pam were actually coming too. That was different and weird because last I heard Tim had been saying we were all flakes and he was never coming again. They arrived late on Friday night and Pam walked right up to me and said, �It�s been so long since I�ve seen you,� (a joke, since I�d just seen her on Tuesday). And then she hugged me, which she has also not done since September. Then Tim walked up and hugged me hello too, which was completely unexpected. He said a few words to me but it was apparent it is more awkward with us because then it just felt weird and we kind of turned away from each other. So I have no idea what that is about� if as a joint force they have decided to forgive me (a little bit) or they were trying to make nice because it is the retreat center but they will go back to the old way once again if I see them in exercise class. I really don�t know but I don�t trust them all the way either. Part of me always wants to get along with everyone and gets really happy about someone talking to me, but there is still something a bit awkward about the whole thing and I know I should perhaps be cautious. The whole weekend went like that- they would talk to me sometimes and sometimes not. I really don�t know what to think.

The weekend itself was good. I didn�t work much- hung out with the young people that I bonded with last summer. Did a little painting outside, and helped with the auction at night. G was there and we talked a bit. My friend Doug, who lives down the road from the lake house, said, �So when are you going to let us build you a little house?� He has built a few small structures on his land (his son lives in one of them) and he knows I have been unhappy where I am and wanting a change. I told him about my plans to do the work study program, and that maybe I would come and live in a little house when I got back. Who knows. Maybe it could be an artist�s studio and I could forage in the woods for food.

I received another email from Gia, asking if I was still going to help out at the women�s retreat that is taking place the weekend before my class with Serena. It is weird that she doesn�t just call me. I did call her and left her a message that I would. I don�t know, I guess when I give my word to something, I don�t like to change my mind. I found out they already put me on the schedule to teach a couple classes, and I would feel weird and flaky about backing out. When I got back from the lake I called Gia and left her another message, and then today I saw that she sent me an email about 30 minutes after I left her the message. Is it my imagination or is she avoiding me? Maybe we are avoiding each other. That can only go on so long since the ride to the retreat place is 1.5hr. Oh well. The whole thing has been mighty confusing- two people being very close friends, then one of them is mad at me, we talk it out and make some agreements amongst the three of us, then one of those people email me to change the agreement, I tell her I can�t do it that way, and all communication goes south from there. Gail said that intuitively she gets that they just feel �awkward� around me and that may involve some guilt- I�m not really sure what that means, but Gail said she gets the feeling that they just don�t want to deal with it. Um, okay. Maybe Gia was hoping that I would say I wasn�t going. It doesn�t really matter, because I have a new technique that I employ in my head; for me there are only two categories: Big Fish and Little Fish. Big Fish is things like going to the work study program and everything I have to get in order to do that. Little Fish are people and things that do not pertain to my Big Fish concept. Gia is a Little Fish. It�s obvious that she doesn�t want to keep the communication going (she mentioned in her email that she �hoped I was feeling better� so she must have heard from Thomas that I had a concussion because he heard it from another classmate, though neither one of them every called or wrote to find out how I was feeling) and it�s obvious that she wants me to be different from who I am so therefore I do not fit into her dream of being one of the people who belong in her little community that she is creating. That is fine because when I felt into it a few months ago I knew I didn�t belong there- it just felt too rigid for me. And actually last year one of her intentions was to get clarity about her �Dream� � having a community and who would be on it- so it is as it should be, it�s been revealed that I don�t belong there. So when something comes up like this I say, �Oh, you are just a Little Fish,� and I put my attention on my Big Fish project. I don�t know what it will be like to do that drive back and forth to the retreat place (at least our mutual friend Shelly will be there) but like anything in life I guess it will be an experience and we�ll see how it goes.

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