Dear Diary,

I don't have much to say at all but I know I've been pretty lame in the update department.

I worked all weekend and made enough money to pay my rent, so that is some cause for celebration.

I also met up with Bethany and Marva for dinner on Saturday night and I told them the big news- that I will be moving out of my apartment in the fall, heading for parts unknown. I guess they both had suspicions when I wrote them an email that I wanted to meet them for dinner because I had some news. Marva seemed very excited for me and I could tell that Bethany was fighting off tears and sadness. But it has to be done. I have been walking around town enjoying what I can, noticing what I will miss and also what I will not miss about this place.

Today I went and had a body work/emotional process session with the guy I usually get my massages from. It was good- some tears and stuff coming up, an awareness of fear. I seem to be moving through a lot of fear lately. It left me feeling pretty tired though. I'm not sure that I'm going to exercise class. I hate to miss but my bed and a good long sleep sounds more inviting.

Overall I watch myself doing the same old patterns and I'm not sure how to break them. Unhealthy food, staying up too late, leaving projects and tasks by the wayside as I get sucked into internet and my shows. The answers seems simple - "just change"- but I wonder why I don't? I'm obviously not happy. I obviously have a lot of emotional stuff that I struggle (not) to feel. I also can't force myself to feel it either, it mostly gets transmuted into anxiety, which is no damn fun. It would be helpful if I didn't feel like I was scrambling for money on a daily basis.

That's all for now.

Love,
Duck

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