So this is how my days go lately: I wake up. I don't want to go to work. So I stall and resist until it seems way too late to go. And then I sit in the dark house watching shows and getting lost in internet shit. And another day goes by.

Today I did just that, which is what I did yesterday as well. I dunno, I guess I just have to keep moving forward even if it feels like I am doing so in micrometers.

One of the differences about waking up today was that instead of judging myself really harshly about not wanting to go to pt job, I said to myself, "Of course you don't want to go there. It's horrible and it makes you feel bad. Why WOULD you want to go?"

Then I had a few conversations today, with my brother Kevin, and with Red, who I kind of wanted to punch in the head because he absolutely does not believe in quitting a source of income no matter how horrible it sounds (but I am kind of convinced that he doesn't get it because he works for himself and makes pretty good money and DOESN'T have to do something he absolutely doesn't want to do, DAY AFTER DAY, so yeah, it's easy to tell somebody else that, isn't it?!) but finally I think I got through to him when I said, look how much pain this is causing me, for about $300 a week. Is it worth the pain? Is it worth the emotional and mental anguish? Or can I find another way to make $300? I probably could but I am afraid that I can't. That is my problem right now.

Yesterday I did go to dinner with B, and I asked if I could just sit next to him, that actually helped a lot and relaxed me a bit. Then we went to play pool which was good too. Wow that guy really loves me...

So that is about it. Right now I say, well, this day is gone, I'll have to try again tomorrow. And all I want to do is go to sleep. It's kind of like I just want to be unconscious. Feels like another level of a very deep depression.

Working it. If you could say a prayer or two, I would very much appreciate it.

Love,
Duck

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