where I am with Thomas and Gia [ 2012-10-21, 2:57 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I was having fun being a "tourist" in my old town until yesterday, before I was trying to find certain stuff (some apples so Emily could make apple sauce, and either a big pad of paper or a flexible dry-erase board for my presentation this weekend). Both things I ended up searching, being frustrated, and settling for spending WAY too much money on something that I didn't really want. Welcome home!

So, I can't remember if I mentioned the following: on Sept 11th Gia left me a really fake voicemail that went like this: "Hi Duckie! We haven't talked in such a long time! Henry wrote me a message that you were packing up and moving. I think about you all the time. Call me!" Needless to say, I was not impressed with this message. It felt really fake (kind of like how Gia was acting back in May) and I just got the sense that Gia really isn't interested in ME at all, just that she was really nosy about why I might be moving! After all I have been in class with Thomas who no doubt has passed on that I have been really sick, had a concussion, dealing with a lot of heavy emotional shit etc etc. and she has not bothered to contact me at all. But as soon as she hears I'm moving, she's right on it!

Anyhow I didn't respond for a couple weeks because I was aware that I was really angry and felt a whole lot of stuff that I wanted to try to resolve within myself before I did anything. But I did want to respond and not just "let it go", one main reason was I did not want Gia to think that I was in any way fooled by her ridiculous acting abilities. I did eventually call her and left a voicemail where I basically said, "Hi Gia, I got your message but I don't really feel comfortable sharing anything about my personal life with you since we haven't spoken in a long time. Basically I thought we weren't friends anymore since you never called me back in February about coming here. And then when I saw you in May it just felt really fake between us. The message you left me now feels really fake. I know we have an agreement that if anything between us ever felt uncomfortable we would tell each other. I do not feel comfortable with this and if you would like to talk about it with me you can give me a call. Otherwise, know that I am very grateful for your friendship and everything you have done for me. Be well."

So far I haven't heard a thing from Gia. Knowing her like I do, I imagine that she is not very happy about the fact that I called her on her behavior, and now she is assessing whether or not it is worth being real with me and being my friend. I guess time will tell.

I know, can you believe it?! Very confrontational and not like me at all! But I did it! I am just disgusted that Gia would think, much like Alphie and Michael, all she has to do is be "nice" and leave me a sunshiny message and all is forgotten. The thing I hate most is to be underestimated and treated like I am not worth the consideration of being a human being!!! That I am a person who can just be put on a shelf, and dusted off and "used" when one feels like it. FUCK YOU.

Hm. So I can never tell about Emily and what she is thinking. Not sure if she is annoyed with me in her place now or not... yesterday I messaged her and called her after seeing a client to see if she wanted to get dinner as we had briefly talked about as a possibility. She just wasn't answering my text so I had to call. Unlike me, the girl is always looking at her phone and texting everyone. She didn't want to go to dinner so I guess her solution was not to respond? Meanwhile I was waiting (hungrily) to find out if I should wait for her or just feed myself. I get a bit crazy because she either changes plans at the last minute (like making plans to have dinner at our favorite place then eating a huge lunch and deciding she no longer wants to go there because she's not that hungry, after I have waited all day holding my appetite!), declining to firm up anything but ditching plans at the last minute (leaving me tentatively holding a space there), or, when we do go out, saying she doesn't want much of anything but then eating most of whatever it is we are supposed to share. I don't know if I get so triggered because I like food, I have low blood sugar and I have to eat when I have to eat, I am a recovering compulsive eater and I need to know what's going on with my food! All that stuff...

Oh well. I have been working right along. Haven't made as much money as I had hoped, but today got lucky because a private client extended a personal session an extra hour and a half. At least I'll be able to pay some bills this month!

I guess that's about it for now...

Love,
Duck

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