Hi Diary,

Life is going okay today. I still have flashes of a) worrying about money/the future/am I loser? and b) am I bad person and are my parents thinking bad things about me because I don't have a job?

But then, when I don't think about those things... I am better. My mom and I walked a mile this morning. Then I went to the craft store (Delia gave me a gift certificate for Christmas). Then I had lunch, and took the dogs again for a snowshoe. I am a bit sore from all this snowshoeing, but I'm guessing it's a good workout.

After that my father and I went to my storage area, where I was able to dig out some winter shoes and boots, get a box of books and some other things. Tonight I'm making shrimp scampi, and working on some jewelry to give to Shelly.

I feel like Petra is trying to bridge some gap between Michael and me. I texted her that I was sending her a package (her very belated bday gift from November and some things for Christmas... I am actually sending her a bunch of regift things but stuff I know she will like... she always buys me stuff for my bday and remembers to send a card, but I have been really horrible about it). In any case, every card or text she sends is signed, "Love Petra and Michael" blah blah blah. And then she texted me that Michael has pneumonia and she has had to take care of him and he finally went to a western medical doctor because it was so bad.

I don't know what to say but I really don't want to get into this triangulation thing that they tend to do to me- very similar to what Alphie used to do with Grace- Michael uses Petra to communicate for him. And then I guess I'm supposed to say, "Oh tell Michael I hope he feels better," I suppose. But that is just a trick to start up some communication so Petra can go to Michael and say, "Duck said she hopes you feel better." And then Michael can be satisfied that once again Duck has initiated some communication and offered an olive branch or whatever....??

NO. FUCK HIM. I am still pissed over the fact that he lied about things I never said, and never told him, didn't bother to find out the truth about. He chose to start drama and spread lies and he has chosen, again and again, his drama play with Alphie over me, my feelings, and the truth. I really, honestly am so mad that I don't give a shit if Michael has pneumonia. I am SO PISSED that he has chosen to not apologize to me like an adult. He just hopes if he is either cute/charming/sick all is forgotten. It is not, from my end.

I wrote her back, "That sucks. I hope everyone is feeling better" because I know Petra was sick as well. This way I am not sending any personal message to Michael through Petra at all. I'm really not sure if she was doing that consciously or unconsciously. At some point I may have to tell her that I don't want to hear about Michael anymore.

Well... I'm starting to get hungry now. Amazing how one's bodyclock can change. I used to eat dinner after 9 or 10 every night! Now I like to eat at 5:30 or 6.

Love,
Duck

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