Dear Diary,

I guess I don't update because I don't feel that I have much to say about my life. The past week or so has felt like a real loss. I've stayed up too late watching Netflix (which I now have because my brother Kevin gave me his password) and then slept too late, been very worried about what my father would think about me so that's the only reason I get dressed most of the time. But like last summer I was staying inside in my room and watching movies and shows and not feeling like I want to do anything. Is this my life? It seems so, and it seems wrong.

I've been babysitting twice a week, sometimes a little bit more gets thrown my way. I splurged on a new doctor (by phone) that is highly recommended by Callie, since I can't really afford my own doctor, and I can't stand feeling this way either. With my dad's help I finally finished my taxes, and that refund will go toward fixing my teeth, going to Serena's class in April, and of course paying on the credit card.

Yes I bought a ticket for Serena's... I will miss one more month and that is three months missing which of course is against "the rules" but when you have little to no income, what can you do? I also left her a message but didn't even hear back from her. I am wondering what to do, if I should just step out of the class. I am tired of flying, Grace is still a person I see every month and I don't want to which means I don't even share in that class to the depth that I would like. I have pulled cards a few times asking about this class but it always comes up seeming to say to wait and see, that good things are coming. I am waiting for those good things.

A woman I know sent out a notice that she is selling her business in the city and Bethany sent me a text saying she is thinking about it. I don't know if she was forwarding it to me because she thought I might want to go in on it with her, but I quickly let her know that I considered the whole thing an albatross. I barely make any money with the business I have; but purchasing "a business" meaning I guess not only buying the name and whatever clients are using you, but also taking over a 5 yr lease. I know that at this time, with this economy and how hard I've had to work, it's not the right choice for me. And I think it's a terrible choice for Bethany as well. She cannot get herself together to save her life, she's been living off her savings for years, and just got a 9-5 job because she desperately needs to stop doing so much standing and bodywork and needs insurance and a steady paycheck. How she thinks she can take over this venture is beyond me- but that's just the thing- she doesn't think. She fantasizes. There's a difference. She will skip over the actual details (expenses, etc) right to her fantasy of, "oh I can own this business and it will make me so much money!" Um, no. Just like a house, one should find out why a person is selling a business. Like perhaps it's in the toilet.

I am at ZZ and her husband's vacation house... so far only been here for a day and a half. We've been out to eat a couple of times (they paid), went to a meditation center, and watched a movie. ZZ has a couple of friends here that have come over or hung out with us.

I had a really nice experience at the meditation center. My knee has been out for over a week and really hurting, making it hard to climb stairs and stuff. Well I walked a labyrinth and as I was going through I said to myself, "I just want to let go of everything that is not me; all my worries and stupid dramas with other people and concerns about business and money etc." and as I was walked my knee suddenly when ka-chunk! and adjusted itself and put itself back into place! Pretty cool. On the way out of the labyrinth I decided that I want a really luscious life so I guess that will be what I need to focus my energy on...

Talk soon,
Love,
Duck

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