shlub [ 2013-06-10, 8:36 a.m. ]

Okay I don't see the use in putting up some excuse for not writing... I'm just gonna try to get back into it.

Thomas and Gia: if you remember they wanted me to pay $20 a day when staying at their house AND do chores... and of course not sleep in the extra room anymore but maybe sleep outside? I know, crazy, right? And then I was really confused about what kind of relationship they wanted with me because they both stopped talking to me, then I get this message from Gia that she is "hurt" because I don't contact her anymore and she feels "used". I have to point out that she and Thomas changed the rules and seem to want to have different boundaries with me, but I actually have no idea what those rules and boundaries are because they both stopped responding to me so why would she think I would come forward and invite myself over, when especially I don't feel welcome or considered as a human being. Well that shut her up for a minute, but I haven't heard from her again (that was last fall) so I guess she really doesn't want to be friends unless I am doing all the work of reaching out and communicating, etc. And Thomas of course is still in my class and I basically walked right up to him and let him know the door was open, telling him I miss our connection and would like to have one... he said him too and maybe we could talk on the phone. I did this because I know Thomas personally and I know it's hard for him to feel welcome sometimes, so I wanted to show him the door was open. That was in April, and I haven't ever heard from him either. So I guess in most of my relationships I am expected to go the extra mile, and I'm just not doing it anymore.

Anyhow I had this dream about them a couple of weeks ago, they were standing there together and I went up to them and put my arms around them, I was kind of teary and I said, "I don't know what I did, but I'm really sorry." However, as soon as I said it, I could feel in my body that it wasn't true. (This has actually been happening to me a lot in real life, where I think I feel some way about something, and I'm actually prepared to be all upset about it and then I'm just... not). In this dream it was just an interesting perspective, perhaps showing me all the work I've done on myself and maybe, um, maybe my higher self just doesn't really care if I have a connection with them or not?

And this morning I had a dream that I had to clean a root cellar, and I think I was doing that before I was going to have some sudsy soapy sex. Hello, chakra cleanup!

As for Alphie, I told the Universe that I didn't want to play with him anymore (almost a year ago now). But in April when I was visiting Russell, he tried to invite himself to my trip to Russell's cabin. I told Russell the true story, that our mutual "friend" Michael made up a bunch of stuff that wasn't even true, and I tried to tell Alphie that but he wouldn't listen, and that I would never be friends with Alphie anyway because in ten years the man had never told me he was sorry for anything. Well I know that Russell tells Alphie everything because it would just be too great a coincidence that the next morning Alphie sends me a text message APOLOGIZING and saying he wants to be friends- but honestly, I don't even think he knows what he is apologizing for. He is just doing it to get what he wants. I never responded to that text.

He seems that when I cut him out of my life, energetically- not just physically- but when I really made the decision and told the Universe, "I'm done with this person. I don't want to do karma with him anymore," somehow Alphie felt that thread come untangled and he started pursuing me to "be his friend." He doesn't actually know what it means to have a friend or love a person since his motto is not, "I love you" but rather, "I love what you do for me."

In any case I have realized I am tired of talking about him, the other day in particular I heard myself and said, why am I still talking about this person, somehow after I banished him from my world he has found a way to make another drama and get back in. For the last ten years I have said his name way too often and given way too much energy to this person. I don't want to do it anymore. So I vow today not to say his name for a year. Alphie, of course, is not his real name, so I might have a thought or a reference here, but in day to day life, I will not say his name for the next 365 days. And, I've started praying to the Blessed Mother whenever my thoughts start spinning about him, because I just read a book about the Blessed Mother and how she brings peace. I just want peace, and I am asking her to help me forgive him because I just can't seem to do it on my own. Not forgive in terms of saying, "What he did doesn't matter," but instead saying, "What he does has no effect on me, I am at peace." That is a goal of mine.

Meanwhile, I am still living with my parents. Parts of it are okay, like most finances are taken care of. I am only working a little, babysitting and making cakes for birthday parties, which enables me to pay on my credit card and my phone bill. But I haven't been able to save any money, which I need to start doing. I know I'm not ready to work full time, because I'm still recovering from exhaustion. It's taking a LONG time.

I was also trying to lose weight but that's not happening so much. Keith says it's because my adrenals are symptomatic, so I am pear-shaped (joy) until they are finished healing. But I actually gained more weight even though I am eating better and earlier in the day (more vegetables and regular meals) and sleeping more and earlier in the evening. I guess it is just a stage but it's a hard stage to be in because I feel like such a shlub. Yes, I said it, a shlub.

So I didn't talk to Gail for about two weeks- not for any particular reason, we were just doing our own thing- and while I was gone she apparently met some fantastic guy that she thinks is gonna be her man- but she's not sure yet. Of course she slept with him on the first night she met him because that's how she rolls, but apparently they've been seeing each other for 2 weeks, she's very inspired and has lost a ton of weight and feeling alive and fantastic. Um yeah, I need some of that. I had sex once in 2011. And before that, 2007. It's been hard going since M left me. I still think about him sometimes but I am ready to be in a committed relationship with someone that actually wants to relate to me and is READY to be with me... and I told the Universe that. I did.

How I get from there from 25 pounds overweight living at my parents' house, I don't know. But I have to trust that it can happen.

I'll be back. Real soon. Like tomorrow! If you're reading comments help to inspire me to tell the story.

Love,
Duck

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