Oddly enough, for all the grief the lake brings me, I do love the young adult community and feel more at home there in my maturity than I ever did in the regular adult community, where I felt elevated to a sex object... or debased to a sex object, whichever way you wanna look at it. I have great philosophical, spiritual, and yes, sexual discussions with young adults but they feel composed in a holistic manner where I am more fully seen as a multifaceted human being. I know people just don't get it, and probably never will, and maybe that's what I have to live with. Even one woman, who is only about 32 or so, said something to me about "the kids- you love those kids so well" but I sensed in her manner a separation... such as, she is not a kid, she is more mature. It is interesting to me because within it lies a basic prejudice that older is better. And to create an automatic separation because someone is younger than you... well, then you lose sight of who that person is and what they might have to teach you. I don't think of them as "younger, younger, younger"- to me they are souls, bright souls that inspire me. Soemtimes, yes they remind me of when I was younger and I am inspired to recapture some part of me I may have forgotten for a time... ie. one such young woman is so creative that it practically spurts from her pores, when I see her I think, I should do more artistic stuff, ooh, look what she's doing now, I should try that... or even, their tendency to jump in the car and just GO, to a festival or a party even if they are really not sure where it is, but with a willingness to check it out... that part can get lost, our brains start to crystallize or something, first the mind becomes less flexible and then the body follows suit. And I have already decided to be vibrant for the rest of my life, so of course I am drawn to those that love to live.
One of the greatest gifts was connecting again with G. He has not been at the lake in some time. At one point he was feeling kind of lousy, having been confronted about some stuff by an ex-girlfriend. We were standing in the kitchen and I said, "Well for what it's worth, G, I am very grateful to you. Because you are literally the only guy that I've ever dated that has kept a connection with me. And after several times of guys disappearing, it can make a person feel pretty lousy, and like she's not worth staying connected to. I really feel that you love me and respect me. And that's been an incredible gift. So if it helps at all, right now, that as a man, that's something you've done right." He was very happy to hear this and he said, "I do love you and respect you. And you are totally worth staying connected to. Thank you for letting me know that. It means a lot." (He had also brought me a gift at the beginning of the weekend- a box of chocolates. He brought two boxes- one for the whole community and one just for me). We continued to talk about the connection we have. He thanked me for holding space for him when we dated, he said he felt like a little boy just trying to figure stuff out and I really supported him in that. We both feel that we have a very deep connection that is both sacred and sexual- basically, that we spent a few lifetimes practicing tantra and sex magic and cultivating a deep love for each other. I can look in his eyes and see it, and I had flashes of it while we were together. And he feels it too. And it's not something I can just talk to any old body about because okay, if it doesn't fit into your belief system then I know it just sounds crazy, whatever, I don't care- G and I know it's true. He said it feels like when we are together, an energy that's bigger than both of us is present- an energy that can consume us. I made a joke about releasing the Kraken...we were sitting there feeling groovy and I said, "I think this is how we make love on our planet, we don't even have to touch each other," because it was pretty intense just looking at each other, really I feel currents of orgasmic energy in my body just looking at him. He agreed. Then we started laughing. It evolved into that kind of laughing where you laugh so hard you cry, and you forget what you are laughing about, but as soon as you make eye contact with the person you burst into laughter again... it was like that, but it felt like we were MAKING LOVE THROUGH LAUGHING. It was crazy and wonderful. People saw us and just thought it was funny, I'm sure they had no idea what was going on, but we must have laughed for at least 10 minutes straight and finally we just had to stop looking at each other and center ourselves. And I felt like I'd just had some really good sex. I felt more opened up than I have in a long time. I felt the opposite of adrenally exhausted and perimenopausal and whatever other health thing I've been told I'm dealing with. I felt open and alive and sexy and appreciated and loved on a sacred level, and I felt happy that i knew my body was capable of having these feelings, because that meant that it's possible and I'm not dried up or old or too sick to be alive and vibrant and juicy and turned on. So I know it there and i'm there with it. And someday very soon I will have a partner who can see me as me and flip those switches just like G does... because I know that G and I have made the decision in this life to be 16 years apart and do our thing and yet still know and love each other... and surely there are other men from my planet who have incarnated here and I'm going to meet him and OH BOY! How fun it will be. And so this is the shit, this is the magic that's in my life that's almost unexplainable, and how would I ever expect some stuffy "adult" to get it when they see me hanging out with younger people...
The blind date never worked out. I responded to the guy's email, with a tiny paragraph about some of the stuff I do, then a week later he wrote me back a pretty polite email stating that he didn't think I was his type, that he wished me well but he was not esoteric at all and didn't believe in energy or that type of stuff (his words, not mine) and, in fact, he had disdain for that sort of thing. I liked that he was very polite and of course is seems sensible not to get together but it was really weird to see that someone would use the word DISDAIN in such a context, like did I really have to know that you absolutely DISDAIN my work or something I believe in? Hmm. It's kind of a strong word. Briefly I considered trying to write a semi-snarky reply such as, "Well I certainly wouldn't want us to be in the position where we had to do anything DISDAINFUL, so it is for the best." or "I simply LOATHE men who are afraid to try something new, so it's good we won't meet." Or something like that. But I didn't. I'm actually just grateful that I don't have to waste my time with awkward dating rituals.
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