Dear Diary,

Have you ever read Of Human Bondage? I'm cleaning out my books but of course had to read them first. This particular book is about a young man going through life and basically being used by one horrible woman because he seems to lack some self worth. I could totally relate. In it a woman just uses him for his money while she does all kind of fucking around, destroys his shit, drains his resources, leaves him a few times and breaks his heart, then reappears and does it all over again.

Did I ever tell you that one time I went to Alphie's house and I just felt "bad" for him, like it seemed he was so overwhelmed, because his house was a mess and his backyard was full of dogshit. So I went outside and started picking up the dogshit. I had a flash of 'what the fuck am I doing?' but I carried on for some time. It was ridiculous but I guess I couldn't recognize at that time that Alphie was a manipulator who constantly used people to do things he didn't want to do, and one thing he certainly didn't want to do was keep his house in order. This incident comes back to my mind now and again and I just feel embarrassed and ashamed about what a complete and utter doormat I was.

Anyway, in the book, one of his friends dicks him over big time, pays the consequences, then tries to apologize to the main character via another friend, who basically says, "Yes Griffiths feels really bad about what happened to him, you could at least be nice to him."

The main character replies something like, "I can bear the trifling inconvenience he feels with a good deal of fortitude," or something like that which basically means, "I don't give a fuck." I love it and I think I will say that from now on.

I guess I identified because at one point Grace said something to the effect of, "Think of how Alphie feels," implying that I have been cruel to him; I was kind of shell-shocked because it seemed that in her haze of non-self/total absorption with Alphie she could never see that he was not actually a nice person to me. And I don't know if people can see it or not. Much of it I can take personal responsibility for- such as, he did not force me to go into the backyard and clean up that dogshit. That was my own doing, my own inferiority complex in relationship, that made me jump to try to be loved, believing that by doing more I would BE more. But there are many subtle things, his inconsideration and general treatment of me that was shitty. If I had to confront him about it I don't know that I could get the words right. I just know that he is selfish, manipulative and inconsiderate, and that's all I need to know. I still have flashes of anger about it because I know that he may NEVER understand that he has hurt me, why I would be upset, that I am my own person and I deserve consideration.

I don't want to have any feelings about it anymore, but I still do. They still surface. I would like to feel neutral about it. Someone suggested that I feel this way because at one time I really loved him- I guess so, in my own addle-brained way at the time. I do know that he hurt me deeply, and many times I experienced a muddled and wounded confusion that was ridiculed and ignored by him. When he was trying to get me "back", by using his charm and basically saying, "Let's forget about all this now, and be friends again," I felt no substance to him, like there is really nothing he can offer me that is interesting or fulfilling to me, because his relationships are all about him, and everyone else is just a satellite. So for this new deeper sense of Self I am grateful. How lost I was!

I still haven't spoken to him, he has not tried to contact me. I play phone tag with Petra and occasionally she mentions Michael but I never ask about him- I keep my focus on Petra and if she wants to talk about her partner that's fine, I don't discourage her but I don't put much of my attention on it either. He has not tried to contact me either and I haven't spoken to him since my visit in 2012.

I have learned a very big lesson, for instance I have an acquaintance here named Piper and she has a terribly messy house. Piper and ZZ used to be pretty close but had a falling out. My connection to Piper is that she has horses, and I loved to spend time with them. Piper is a bit of a user- she finds all kinds of ways to get what she wants at minimal cost- including disability, which ZZ says is fake; classes, equipment, etc. etc. But Piper's house is a mess- and everyone who meets her, at one time or another, ends up cleaning her house, multiple times, because it is TRASHED. Like super filthy from barn dirt and dogs and way too many animals in the house and no upkeep. ZZ cleaned it 3 or 4 times and so did her daughter, I think people see it and say, "Poor Piper, she just needs HELP." and they try to organize her but she just trashes it the next day because, apparently that's the way she wants to live.

I am very proud to say that I have never offered nor lifted a finger to clean Piper's house. I have been in there when she's been apologetic but I have just said, "Don't worry about it," I don't care if she wants to live in a dirty house, and I'm certainly NEVER going to pick up someone else's dogshit again- not if they are like Alphie (which I think Piper and Alphie have a lot in common- but it's ok- I feel like I know enough about the personality type to walk the line with her).

That's it for now.

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