addicted to the internet [ 2014-12-05, 11:08 p.m. ]

Hello Diary,

I am addicted to the internet. I've been binge-watching for years now, and it's taken place of my regular posting or being productive in most ways... so there it is.

So I'm just going to try to post a little here and there, more often.

I've just started a protocol to kill EBV virus, the reason I constantly have sore throats and always feel like crap... especially for the last, um, DECADE. I realized that I just stopped telling people how bad I felt because they either didn't believe me, or inferred that I was weak, with a big sigh and an "again??" But all that, especially on top of being sick ALL THE TIME, really takes its toll on a person.

Tonight, Gail is with Alphie and Marie. It's Marie's birthday, and they all went to a concert (Marie and Alphie are close, apparently). We definitely got the sense that Alphie will ask Gail about me, and I had a very specific conversation with her before she went... basically, her idea was to confront him about his lame "apology" to me- which isn't really an apology. I mentioned to Russell that in the ten years I have known Alphie, he has never said thank you or I'm sorry to me... sure enough, the next day I get an email from Alphie: "sorry about all the stuff that happened." Um, WHAT exactly does that mean? I don't think Alphie has any concept of referencing another person, so I don't think he even knows what he is apologizing for. His M.O. in life is to think, what do I have to do to get what I want from this person? Oh, I have to apologize? Ok I'll say these words and then everything will be ok. Seriously, he has always been kind of like a robot in that way.

So, when Gail suggested that, I said forget about it. Why would I want an apology from a person that not only takes no personal responsibility, but also is incapable of feeling remorse? It's not worth anything. And very specifically, I don't want to create more drama by encouraging someone else to relay messages for me... because then I just get an email from Alphie, "So and so said that YOU said..." forget it. So I just told Gail, there is only ONE thing that you've heard from me in regard to Alphie, and it is this: he doesn't hear me. I've chosen not to speak to him because no matter what I say, he cannot hear what I say. And, I told her, if you want to give him YOUR opinion on anything, feel free. Gail has LOTS of opinions and she is not afraid to share them.

Gail is also talking about going back to the training for a reunion of sorts... she and some alumni, she was trying to convince me, but of course I don't have the money, the health to travel, and for me it's a snake's nest of Alphie, Michael and the people they've poisoned against me- mainly Ben and Marie. So, um, no. I told Gail that if I was going to spend over a thousand dollars on something, it should be something fun.

Emily is almost 6 months pregnant now. They used a donor egg and her bf's sperm. It still seems that she feels SO insecure in her relationship though. It bums me out a bit because I know what it feels like to be that insecure, but also it's frustrating because it makes her very unavailable as a friend. She connects briefly and promises to call/Skype in a day or two, but then disappears for weeks without informing me of what's going on because she's all wrapped up in the drama with her bf. Then she tells me plans last minute and wants me to meet her here or there, but gets upset if I've already made plans.

She's coming to the city, which is five hours away from me, and wants me to come down to meet her, but it is horrible, bad timing... right before Christmas, I don't have extra money or time to travel. I go to the lake the weekend before, and that's a plan I've already made... it turned out that the window of time I had to see her was about 24 hours. Now, I have been so sick for weeks I have no intention to travel anywhere. I know she will act all disappointed but it's ridiculous to expect me to wear myself out to see her when I'm already very sick! For a while there I was trying to figure out all kinds of ways to do it, like leave here at 7pm after work on Monday, drive halfway to the lake, see if I could stay at a friend's to make the 8am bus to be there by 11:30... or leave at 5am on Tuesday to drive to the bus... then I thought, WHY??? Why would I put myself through that, driving in the dark in winter, getting up early or staying up too late, when it ALL EXHAUSTS me.. and I am already suffering from adrenal fatigue, EBV, dizzy spells etc? Fuck that noise.

So, that's where I am today...

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