Dear Diary,

I decided to come back. I have to come back, because I need this place. My anger is a bit out of control, and what that looks like for me is... backstabbing everyone I know. Talking shit about my friends, ripping up their lifestyles to my other friends, who I immediately turn around and complain about. Nobody to their face, but I catch myself doing it and I just can't seem to KEEP MY FUCKING MOUTH SHUT AND HOLD MY OPINIONS TO MYSELF.

Me! Supposedly so evolved. But gossiping like a fucking teenager. So I look deeper and I realize I am really, really, angry-- at a lot of things. Some of them have to do with myself- I watch my friends repeating my own mistakes (in their own style) and I judge harshly, because I am so pissed at myself for wasting years of my life with asshole guys, poor decisions, etc. Or I get sick of people USING me, treating me like I am a second class citizen, always expecting me to do about 80% of the relationship and making no attempt to meet me in the middle... of course I have a part to play in that too, because I co-created these relationships. I cannot lie on the floor everyday and release my anger in a tantrum, because I have adrenal fatigue and my body just can't handle that kind of thing. But I can write. And writing is good for me. And I need to get it out. And better here than out there, where it's liable to come and smack me right in the face, as it has done before.

So. Where to begin? It's been so long. So let me say this: a brief synopsis. I still live with my parents. Two and a half years ago, I hit rock bottom- which for me, looked like a deep depression, but was actually a combination of mold poisoning, adrenal fatigue, and Epstein-Barr. So this time has been about being less active, struggling with diet, and trying to come back to health.

I've been single all this time, that's been a bit of a drag at times, but I barely have enough energy for myself, much less to put into a relationship. A few months ago, in Serena's class (which I am now Skyping into) we did a segment on 'completion'. During that month I had a dream about M. I was sitting on a banquette, and he came and sat down next to me. I moved my bag from between us because, I literally didn't want anything to be between us. He put a bag of McDonald's french fries down on the table. It was time for us to talk, the opportunity for me to ask him anything I wanted- why had he left me? Why didn't he make an effort to be my friend, like he promised me he would? Why didn't he return my things? Hundreds of questions from 7 years of confusion, all swimming around in my head. Before I knew it, I had a 3D puzzle in my hands that I was attempting to put together, while at the same time trying to decide what question to ask him first. The piece I was holding was actually in the shape of a narwal, which I felt said something about my own uniqueness. As I was trying to decide where to start, I suddenly got, in a visceral gestalt, the answers to all my questions- I suddenly completely UNDERSTOOD why he had acted the way he did- why he didn't show up- 'because he just couldn't' - of course from that small statement there are a million threads of the "why" (his parents, his upbringing, his fear, his lack of knowing himself, etc etc)... but I just all of a sudden KNEW in this one instant, as if the knowledge had come by osmosis into my body, I just completely got it. And all of a sudden I didn't need to ask him anything... there was nothing I didn't know.

When I woke up, I said to myself, well that is completion. Double understanding.

I could only find some very hinky, obviously airy-fairy white person definitions for narwal totem, but this one is the best: "Nourishing others, unicorn symbolism and wisdom, being able to understand the depths of an issue, understanding more deeply than others, an affinity with themes of cold and coldness, the body as a weapon, diving below the surface, ‘deep and meaningfuls’, resisting captivity, poking holes in the theories of others, a desperation for freedom." The part about getting the depths of an issue... seems significant.

Not that I was entirely mooning over M all this time, but there has always been some stickiness there. The one that got away. Somebody significant. A missed chance. So many unanswered questions. But amazingly, after this dream (a bit over 7 years later), I really am DONE now. I feel like the last thread has been cut. Why did it take so long? I'm not really sure. Karma, maybe? I seem to have that karma thing with a lot of guys (look how long I was entangled with Alphie!) It really does no good to judge it, I know. I also know that a lot of people will never understand. It's okay. They don't have to. The most important thing feels like I have closed the book on it, and, whatever was holding me back from fully moving on, and having a new relationship, is gone.

Of course now I'll probably run into him in the grocery store or something- that's how life is.

More to say, but I have to sleep. So I'll do my best to write every day.

Love,
Duck

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