Dear Diary,

Sorry to be out of touch. Here's a quick recap:

FRIDAY: Landed and was picked up by Thomas and Gia. Stayed up too late hanging with them and their neighbor friend.

SATURDAY: Went to Shelby's seminar. It is a bit weirder seeing him before our dates, under professional circumstances. We have to be totally cool around other people, although sometimes we have some stolen looks and smiles. It was a big day for me as usual. Shelby gets to see me when I am such a mess, but I guess that's good for our relationship. We ended late, then I had to wait for Shelby to clean up and eat a sandwich. I could tell he had worked hard all day and I didn't want to rush him. I had asked him for a ride, which he had agreed to, but the whole time I felt like I had to be careful not to ask too many questions or talk too much. I hate being like that, but that seems to be the way I am. He dropped me off at David's house, where they were having a dinner party. I invited Shelby in, but he had to be up early the next day and didn't feel like coming. Inside Gia, Thomas, and more were quite lubricated and dancing about- kind of a lot for me to handle right after a full day seminar. I had a bit of food and some conversation, by about 1am I was so exhausted I found a blanket and lay on the couch. Gia finally got the hint that it was time to go home, and we did... but I didn't go to sleep till about 2am!

SUNDAY: Woke up 8am and took a shower. Today was Nia's 40th, and she obviously wanted something special to happen. So I had arranged to catch a ride with her mom, who talked my ear off the whole way down to the restaurant. It was good to see the kids- her toddler and the baby. The meal itself was disappointing. We ordered brunch at 10:30am and didn't eat until noon... I was starving and grouchy because I had thought it was BRUNCH, for God's sake! The food was in no way worth waiting an hour for... eggs. We waited an hour for eggs! Anyhow. Afterward I hung out at Nia and Lee's house, and even took a short nap, I was so exhausted. That's one of the good things about Nia and Lee being like family... the bad thing is that they are really struggling and fighting all the time and Nia at this point says she's just staying for the kids. I hope they can ride it out! In any case, affter my nap I brushed my teeth and got ready for my date with Shelby. Nia's mom dropped me off near the restaurant where we were supposed to meet. I could see he wasn't there, so I wandered about and looked in some stores, but there wasn't much to see. Finally Shelby arrived, we had dinner, which I treated for- because I was very grateful for Shelby helping me and also driving me about. We went back to his place. First we got all the logistics out of the way as far as last minute calls and tying up loose ends. Then I showed Shelby the gift I got for his wife, he thought it was something she would like. Then we put on some music and yes I made that man dance with me. He gets a little self-conscious, but once we started peeling off each other's clothes, I could tell he was really into it. We took a quick dip in the hot tub and when we came back in... well have I mentioned that I actually did not have my period this time?! All right!! Is all I can say. Another thing I can say is that Shelby needs a little... uh... training. Like there is part of him that thinks he can touch me like a porno and I'm supposed to be turned on already. He really doesn't always get the concept that women need to be warmed up. So I was trying to strategically place his hands to show him what I like, but then he just thought I was being impatient. Hmm. Have to figure out how to say... I'm tryin' to teach you something!! In any case, he finally decided to offer me his mouth on a certain place which hasn't received a whole lot of attention recently, and I was more than happy to accommodate. So, let's just say I had a very good night... lots of attention... however, I am still coming up against that block with him... I can orgasm, but I can't LET GO. I don't know how else to explain it. I know I could be having "bigger" experiences than I'm having. So Shelby and I worked on it. He was really great, talking me through the hard parts. I told him that maybe I was afraid to open up and trust, because I got so shattered with M. But it was weird because it didn't even feel true when I said it, and I told him that too. He said maybe that was true because it had more to do with my connection to myself than my connection to M. Kinda deep. After that I was pretty exhausted, but I wanted to give to Shelby too. Still part of that feels a bit boring, because he can get so quiet and I don't know what to do with him. He is kind of a vanilla lover, and I feel like part of my job is to perk him up a bit. In any case, I know what he wanted and I gave it to him. As we were going to bed, Shelby warned me that he might get up and go into his own bed, because as of late he's been waking up and having trouble falling asleep. Unfortunately he told me this right as we were going to bed, I was already kind of softened and opened up and then he said that and I fell asleep... SCARED. So everytime he shifted or rolled over I would wake up in a panic thinking he was getting out of bed. Yes, I am a freak. I even told him outright before we fell asleep that I didn't like the thought of him leaving me. My investment in this adventure does not include flying and traveling miles and miles and sharing my body so I can sleep alone! But at the same time I don't want to be a nutball.

MONDAY: Neither Shelby nor I wanted to get out of bed, so it was all about the snooze button. Finally we got ready in minutes and he drove me to public transportation so I could get to class. It was a weird feeling in the morning. I have been conscious of trying not to take up too much space around him. I know he is totally overwhelmed with work and a shitload of stuff that he has going on. And I don't want to be another thing pushing or pulling on him. Unfortunately, this creates a lot of holding back and fear in me, and that's no good- probably a pattern I've done a lot before in relationship. So I'll have to talk to him about that. In any case, I got to class, and it was good. We are deciding which route to take for our next season. Grace was there and no eye contact as usual. I can't figure out if she and Alphie are signed up to take the two-week seminar in July. I hope not. But she is so sneaky... it's hard to tell. I went home with Thomas, and made dinner while he and Gia were at their class. Afterward we stayed up too late watching movies, and that was that.

TUESDAY: A little bit of rest, a little bit of work, and got a massage from Gia. Ended up being a big day because more stuff came up from Saturday. Thomas and Gia were also having a fight, so I tried to dodge that bullet. They both went out, eventually Gia came back and Shelly and Terri came over. Thomas was out, so it was just a girl's night of food, makeovers and fun. Again a late night, and Shelly and I shared a bed, but nothing happened of course because we were both so tired.

WEDNESDAY/THURSDAY: Flew home, a long night.... I had trouble falling asleep, and only got about four hours. Woke up early to go get some physical therapy from Ginny's boyfriend before he leaves town. Afterward I ran to two banks, then went to get my hair cut. It's been way too long since I got a trim, and it looks great. I definitely need to be better about getting regular attention to my crazy locks. After that I went to the dentist. Oh, and did I mention that today was the day I did start my cycle? I am still just happy that I didn't have it on date night, but it made for a long day.

I called Bethany tonight but realized why I haven't really talked to her. She is having a SUPER hard time... with relationships, roommates, her apartment, money, work, and her health... it's overwhelming to her and everyone around her. In every conversation she bursts into tears at one point or another. I feel for her but at the same time I want to run away. Maybe because I am feeling a lot of stress myself and like I could tilt at any moment? I'm not really sure. I'm also absolutely exhausted and in physical pain, so it's hard for me to have any energy left over.

Just trying to hold it together right now...

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