Dear Diary,

Getting ready to go see Kevin this week. I've done really well because I'm pretty much done packing and it's before midnight! Usually I am up until 2 in the morning packing and cleaning because I want the place looking nice when I come back.

And I do want it to look nice, because my friend Ramel is coming to stay for three nights next week, on the day I get back. So I will have no time to clean next week, I have to finish it tonight. Good thing I invite people over, otherwise I might never clean. But I'm feeling proud of myself because I did really well. Finished laundry, vaccuumed and dusted, separated papers and junk mail into piles. So overall when Ramel walks in next week it will look pretty neat. At least for this place...

Ramel and I go way back, at one point we were pretty intimate... but not quite to the point of being boyfriend and girlfriend... we met each other when we had both just recently been dumped by other people, and formed an immediate and close bond.

I think we were a little afraid to get deeply involved. But then he moved far away to a bigger city and he asked me to move there with him. But I was afraid. Afraid of the city, mostly, afraid of making that kind of change.

Then Ramel went through a series of girlfriends and truthfully I always felt bad about not taking that chance to move in with him. He stuck with one girl for a long time and eventually married her... even though none of his friends, including me, could understand why!

That's because his wife is kind of.... mean... and controlling... and complaining and whining and a know-it-all. She will take any opportunity she can to prove to you what she knows, who she knows, or just how smart she is in general.

At one point she tried to scam me out of some money, it was a really uncomfortable situation and I had to confront both of them. Ramel never said anything about what Carina did, he preferred never to talk about it. But at that point is when my "crush" and my longing and regret about not being with him died. Because I realized he was so controlled by his wife, that he wouldn't even stick up for what was right. He just wanted it all to disappear.

I began to see just how much she controlled him-- what he ate, right down to the size of his portions-- as well as never leaving him alone, having to be everywhere he was and have his attention even when we are among friends. She often interrupts him when he's in conversation with another friend because she can't stand to have him not paying attention to her for 30 seconds. Among our friends it has become a joke! But I guess Ramel must like it that way, because he's still with her...

Things have smoothed out between them and me, and since Ramel is the one I've known longer and am actually connected to, I don't mind if he stays here while he's on business. I know that he wanted Carina to travel with him sometimes, but I definitely don't want her here. For one thing my place is really too small for three people to share anyway, especially with someone who's so annoying. For another thing, Carina is super-nosy, and I wouldn't put it past her to go snooping in my medicine cabinet and even reading my journals... no I wouldn't put it past her at all!

That said, it will just be Ramel and me next week. But don't worry Diary. There's nothing left of that old romance... I realize Ramel is not man enough to be with me... after seeing how he lets Carina treat him-- so I really have lost my attraction to him.

Speaking of disappointing men, talked to Alphie the other day. He wants to come and visit me. I thought maybe we could talk about the project we had originally discussed collaborating on, but at this point I am realizing that we may never be collaborating on anything. That's because Alphie is just too disorganized, and, I realized, so focused on himself. He spent 15 minutes describing his schedule for the rest of the year to me--- why do I need to know that?

I guess I got really disappointed with him because I asked if he wanted to share a room with me at the next training. I figured it wouldn't be such a big deal, since we normally end up sleeping in the same room anyway, and this way it would save us both money. He said he really needs a certain amount of sleep so he wouldn't be able to share. I kind of thought he would say no, but when he actually did it hurt more than I thought it would. I guess it doesn't make sense because he was saying he needs to take care of himself, but Alphie barely takes care of himself on a daily basis anyway. He is running around, not sleeping enough or eating well, and spending money he does not have.

I know sometimes I feel a little jealous of what he and Grace have, but it's weird because at the same time I love them so much, especially Grace and I don't feel any ill will toward her at all. Actually most times I feel more attracted to her than to Alphie, because she is more open emotionally to me. I guess what bugs me the most is the feeling that it's not fair... I don't even know what I mean when I say that. I guess, that I am not the #1 girl. It's very clear that Grace is. I guess I just want to be someone's #1. Sometimes I feel like they think I am really special, and then other times, like I am just some kind of "bonus" for them.

In other news, I went on a date today, with a guy named Parker. He's one of the guys that responded to my profile. It's amazing how different someone can look 3-dimensionally as opposed to in a picture! Parker seems nice enough but I don't get the sense of any sparks flying. Plus we met for lunch and it seemed he didn't put any effort at all into his appearance-- his shirt was so far open that all he needed was the gold chains and he could have been one of those 70's disco guys. And, there's little things I notice, like we changed seats at one point, and moved to a table against the wall, you know the kind where one side is a booth and the other is a chair. I don't know, I must be spoiled, used to guys asking me to choose my own seat or offering me the more cushy and comfortable one, which would obviously be the booth side. Parker just plopped his ass in the booth right away. Then other little things, such as, I would ask him questions, such as how many brothers and sisters did he have, you know, personal interest questions. He would answer and talk and talk but never really asked me any questions about myself. In fact he seemed content to talk about himself all day. But staring off into a space just to the left and above my head. It was very strange, so sometimes, I would purposefully move my head just so he would have to make eye contact with me. Then he kept contradicting himself. In one of his emails to me he said he likes to go dancing late into the night. Then to my face he says he never goes out anymore. The same thing about drinking alcohol, drinking coffee, exercising, etc. It's like he was changing his answers to say what he thought I wanted to hear. But how did he know what I wanted to hear? I don't even know what I wanted to hear. The whole thing made me feel kind of tired. I spent way too much money on this date as well.

I don't know, Diary, do you think I'm too picky? Maybe there are some redeeming factors about Parker but I'm kind of used to at least feeling some kind of *spark* with somebody. Which I don't feel. Another thing about him is we were saying goodbye and I went to kiss him on the cheek and he aimed for my mouth and nabbed my top lip like he was going to suck it off. It was a weird thing. He told me to call him when I got back from my brother's and I'm in the middle of saying okay, and he goes for my mouth again. Why do guys have to try so hard on the first date, doesn't anybody know less is more when it comes to that? It is to me, anyway. I like when guys don't try to make anything happen on the first date. It feels like they like me enough to give me space and respect me... if they are really into me I assume they will just ask me out again, not have to slobber all over me.

Ugh.

Well, here's another issue, Diary: depression. Yesterday I didn't do a damn thing. I literally lay in bed and watched television for about 8 or 9 hours. And I just felt so tired, and not even like I wanted to be anywhere else. And I'm starting to get really worried. Because even though I've been really active this week, doing stuff, including working for Molly, I just don't feel good. I feel exhausted and sad, and I don't know about what. And I just want to eat chocolate soy pudding. Yesterday I ate 4 of them. Today I came home from my date and ate another 4 (they are little cups). That's not emotionally healthy, Diary!

I talked to Stacey, who is starting to get over her morning sickness by the way-- and she said maybe my talk with Alphie hurt as much as it did because I am feeling vulnerable right now. She said that I am going through a big transition as far as work is concerned, and no doubt the issue with Simon triggered something unpleasant for me (I still have not called him or stopped to see him).

That, it seems, is the thing about depression. People who don't understand it think you lie around and dwell on one specific thing. But the truth is depression can be like a thing, an energy that takes over your body. You just feel listless and can't put your finger on why. That's how I feel. I still move around, go places, do stuff... I did major cleaning in my apartment, but in the end I don't feel well at all.

Hopefully I'll be able to cure that over the long weekend.

And for the record, here is a list of men that I am disappointed in right now, in no particular order:

1. Simon (for assault issues)
2. Ramel (for having a lame wife)
3. Alphie (too much to mention)
4. Wisconsin (for disappearing)
5. Xan (also for disappearing)
6. Parker (see above)
7. Vince Vaughn (for getting so chubby)
8. George W. Bush (need I explain?)

Stay strong, Diary.
Duck

[previous] [next]