Hi Diary,

A few days since an update, but I have been at Delia's for a while now. So far it is nice, she has been spoiling me left and right! I was only here an hour and we went shopping, and she bought me a cute little dress. Then yesterday we got pedicures and massages. Tonight dinner and a movie with her and Bud...

I can see she is concerned about me, and is looking for any way to make me happy. There's a way I wish I could be happier so she could feel good. I think I am in the deepest funk of my life. Really most of the stuff I do with other people, at any given time I am wishing I was lying in bed, alone. That seems to me to be severe depression, what do you think?

Delia and I talked yesterday and she is doing much better in terms of giving me space and being very tactful about the whole thing. In other words, not jumping down my throat and telling me I'm ridiculous and wrong for feeling the way I do. I know it's difficult because on the surface it just looks like a rejection/obsession with M but I was trying to explain all the layers to her...

I just want to sleep all the time and have been sleeping an average of 10 or 11 hours. Today I woke up and thought, "Every day, a little nightmare." Because really I feel like I am in some kind of nightmare. All of a sudden I feel ugly and old, I am noticing all the flaws in myself more than ever, and way too often I am feeling self-destructive.... sometimes it makes it harder to be around Bud and Delia because now they have been together 6 years, she met Bud the same weekend I met Frank... I have wanted a relationship for so long, and even though I am happy for my sister, I feel miserable about myself. I tried to think that at this time next year, I will have someone in my life.

Also I am very stubborn. I don't feel like bothering with dating because I know I am still in love with M and not only is the thought very uninteresting to me, but I don't think it's fair to another guy to hang out when I am feeling like this. But... here are some thoughts that I am trying to embrace to loosen up my miserability:

1. One of my ex-roommates got back together with an ex-boyfriend and they moved in together. So people break up and get back together all the time. Sometimes after months or years. Nothing is written in stone. Honestly I don't know how M feels about me, so who knows what will happen? It could still happen. And in the meantime we could both see other people.

2. I am stubborn about believing that there could be anybody better than M. Sometimes I think that the Universe must have picked someone else for me but I've already rejected him without meeting him. So tonight I was thinking that what if, I just allowed myself to meet this other person and I could still decide if I wanted him or not. If I don't like this mystery man, I'll just throw him back. (This may sound completely ridiculous but I am just trying to open up my mind).

3. Maybe I should look for some fun women to hang out with. Forget about dating men because I can't/don't want to have casual sex with them and I know I'll be comparing them to M. But with women, though I love them, I don't really have the emotional tie that I have to men. So if I met a woman that just wanted to hang and have fun, okay. Believe me I would just choose someone who wanted the same thing and not lead anybody on who was looking for something deeper.

Those are some thoughts. The need to call keeps coming up, but I have not done anything. Not even a hang-up. Instead I have decided to work with Kate some, about my issue of feeling like once again Duck is going to put herself out on a limb and be rejected. My colleague (who went through the terrible break-up at the same time as me) pointed out that I seem to have a lot of negative beliefs about being vulnerable and being humiliated and rejected, and most of all my tendency to judge myself cruelly. It seems like it would be a good idea to work on those issues before I even pick up the phone.

Don't you think?

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