Having trouble making entries the last few days. I've been writing them, but at one time or another I end up getting kicked offline. The cyber gods are against me!

All those entries were about an ex that called me on Friday, but apparently the cyber mafia does not want me putting that information here in my diary. So let's just say, the ex called on Friday, I'm glad he's okay, and I still actually have sexual fantasies about him, because he was that good. However he was emotionally incapable of intimacy, and openly admitted it, which is why we are not together today.

Myself, I am just feeling burnt out. I did start painting again, and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. A friend assured me that I have to paint for at least 2-3 years before I achieve anything of value, so I guess that takes the pressure off.

Frank seems a little more romantic, more affectionate. I don't know if it's a result of our conversation last week, and me showing him those poems and things. The other night, he was watching the news and I decided to take a bath. After the news was done, he came into the bathroom and got in the tub with me. We talked about everyday things, then got in bed, held each other and fell asleep. It left me with the feeling that maybe simple things like that are like making love-- just spending time together. So maybe I shouldn't worry so much about if we're having sex or not, as long as we're doing stuff like this.

He did invite me into the bedroom on Saturday. It's like he is so shy and nervous, you can tell he gets embarrassed about initiating sex. Damn how did he get this far in life?

I guess my point is, he's trying to change, and seems to want things between us to be different. So that's a good thing, right?

So I should be happy. But I am still scared. Because I sense this ambivalence about him, about being with me. It seems every man I've ever been with (with the exception of some high school puppy love) has ambivalence about being with me. Of course I ask, what is it about me that is so wrong? I am constantly told by friends that I am funny, have a good heart, talented, truthful, etc. etc., you know, all the things your friends will tell you to imply that someone else should love you. And yet, I seem to choose men who are not willing to make the leap to open their hearts and commit. Therefore, I'm thinking there must be something about myself that's not willing to jump in and commit. Otherwise why would I keep choosing the same kind of men?

I really would like it to be Frank. I feel like I have to sit down and figure out what it is about myself, that I am hiding even from myself. Maybe I'm so scared that I don't even know it.

Sometimes I feel so wrong, and so fragile.

Duck

[previous] [next]