Dear Diary,

Well I know you weren't feeling very well yesterday, because you took my whole entry and blasted it into cyberspace. Very disconcerting!

So I will rewrite my entry today. About my weird pheromonal weekend.

Friday night met up with Dan again, he wanted to go to dinner. So we went. I met him at his apartment and he said the restaurant was close so we could just walk there. As we are walking and talking he is touching my arm and my elbow, I'm so dumb about this kind of thing because I can't tell-- is he just touching me to make a point, or is he "touching" me? Don't know. Until we get to the restaurant, and as we're sitting at the table he grabs both my hands in his. I have to tell you, Diary, that I was quite freaked out. So I said, "Oh yeah, let's read each other's palms!"

In the course of our conversation, just about life in general, I mentioned that I have been having a hard week, Dan wanted more details so I just said well with all the ex boyfriend stuff, I am still pretty upset about it. I figured too this would be a good and casual way to let him know that I'm not really up for moving into a new relationship, if that's what he's thinking. And he said something like, "So you're really not this optimistic? It's all a cover?" At that point I should have said, "Yes, my heart is broken and really I am just going day by day," but instead I said, "I have my ups and downs."

As I said I have my worries about Dan. One thing was that it was his turn to pay, since I paid last time. He made it quite clear that he was paying. Yet at the time we opened the menu he suggested we "split something". I didn't get it, since none of the entrees are enough to feed two people (we'd both been there before, just not together). Oh no, I thought. Please don't be so cheap. My stomach can't handle it. So I told him what I usually ate when I came here-- he kind of eyed me and said, "Well, you DO have an appetite." I make no apologies for liking to eat, so if that was some kind of slight I don't know, but it didn't matter. When I go out to dinner I want to eat, not munch on a salad like some self-conscious bimbo and then go home and eat everything in the refrigerator because I'm starving.

Keep in mind that this whole time I'm just thinking we're going out as friends-- I mean, I do this all the time with friends, switch off paying, and etc. And this restaurant wasn't significantly more expensive than the one I treated Dan to last week.

Then it starts to dawn on me, walking back from the restaurant, more elbow touches from Dan, two seconds of his arm around my shoulders, that maybe to him it is a "date". It's midnight, but he asks me if I want to come up to his apartment for a while. I really don't know what that means. Does that mean just hang out and talk? Does that mean what it means in the movies? I have very little "normal" dating experience, so I feel like a big dope. I decline, say I had a nice time, and I'm outta there.

On the way home I check my messages in the hope that Frank may have called.

No dice.

Sunday night I have plans with my friend Jeremy. Jeremy and I met in the dance club a few weeks back. We immediately liked each other's style, and he was so cool and respectful, that I had no problem exchanging information with him.

It just so happens that Jeremy is coming by my neighborhood on his way to the club, so rather than meet there, he offers to pick me up. Okay. We have a great ride, even in bad traffic. Jeremy turns out to be pretty funny and even cuter than I remember. Once at the club, our fun multiplies by ten. I've never laughed so hard while dancing in my life! The dancing is great and we both keep our sense of humor when we mess up. One of the interesting things I learn about Jeremy is that he is quite a few years younger than me-- this whole time I've been thinking he's my age-- and come to find out he's always thought I'm at least two years younger than him... well, that's a little weird, but no matter, right?

At the end of the night we stop to get some pizza, but Jeremy gets offended when I try to pay for mine. When we sit down with our slices he says, "I'm not a chauvenist or anything, I'm all for the independent woman thing, but you know-- the first time, I like to pay." My mouth is full of cheese and I'm like, huh? because once again I seem to be on some kind of "date" that I didn't know I was on. Here I am with my elbows on the table and a string of cheese hanging off my lip, thinking I'm hanging out with a friend...

As Jeremy drops me off in front of my apartment complex, he says, "Well, listen, this might not be cool, but I'm gonna say it. I'm really attracted to you. I don't know how you feel about it. I don't want it to mess up our good time dancing. I just wanted to tell you... heh, I guess now you can tell that I'm much younger than you, cause I suck at this." I said, "Actually, it's pretty impressive because it makes you seem very mature," thinking of Dan the elbow-toucher... but I tell him, "Well, I think you and I have a great chemistry... but you know my last relationship that just ended, it's still kind of fresh..." and he said, "That's cool, we won't worry about it now... we'll just be friends and dance... so with that, I'll give you a kiss on the cheek." And he did.

I was so impressed with everything about Jeremy, his politeness and directness. His momma raised him right.

I felt a lot of sadness, because this would be a great person to meet, I guess, if my heart was ready for it. But obviously it's not.

I went inside and checked my messages again.

Last night, Aleda got a big kick out of the story of my weekend.

"You keep getting pulled into these unexpected dates," she said. "Like you're being sucker punched... sucker dated." And she laughed.

Yeah, ha-ha!

[previous] [next]