Hey Diary,
Today I came into work slightly overmedicated, because I have decided that I am really not into the extremely painful period thing anymore. So I took my time, medicated myself and took a 40-minute hot shower this morning. Then I waltzed in here about 10ish. The surprising part of the day was when I got a phone call from So-And-So from Such-And-Such an institution that actually expected me to ANSWER HER QUESTIONS... what? I hardly ever get phone calls... the whole thing was totally beyond me, because a) even when I am not stoned off my rocker I don't know anything or do anything anyway, and b) I was stoned off my rocker. So the conversation went something like this:
HER: Well, I sent you two emails and I haven't gotten any response from you. (TRYING TO INDUCE GUILT. NICE TRY, LADY, BUT YOU LOSE. I AM TOO BUSY HUMMING JEFFERSON AIRPLANE'S 'WHITE RABBIT' IN MY MIND TO BE MANIPULATED BY YOU.)
ME: Hmm, when did you send them?? (TRYING TO FEIGN CONFUSION. I SEE THE EMAILS IN MY MAILBOX, AND I KNOW THAT I FORWARDED THEM TO MY BOSS AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO ANSWER HER. WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE HE DID. YET, APATHY ABOUNDS.)
HER: I sent them on the 8th and another one on the 21st...
ME: Well, what exactly is your question?
HER: I want to know if the due date you gave me... means... if that's the date it's due...
ME (wondering just who it is that is medicated here): Um, yeah, that date is the date that it's due. The date that you see there. Means I have to have it by that date.
HER: And the invoices...
ME: Oh, I don't do invoices. Let me transfer you to the financial department.
No doubt that after this conversation, above-referenced lady will never bother me again, because she has learned that I don't know anything or do anything.
And I think I will stop answering my phone.
Here's other things that are going on:
1. I'm leaving very soon to go see Alphie, but I haven't talked to him since Saturday. He hasn't really been calling me, unless it's to ask me a specific question, or to tell me about a change in plans. I would really like it if he would just call to chat. I've called him several times to do just that, but he always seems extremely busy, and I've started feeling like a pest. So I've decided to just wait it out and have him call me, but that doesn't seem to be happening. On one hand, I know that he is busy, that time is different for men, and they don't stress about stuff like this. On the other hand, I am the same old person I was before and I like to feel SPECIAL. This is the same problem I had with Frank all the time, where I would just feel upset because he wasn't doing what I really wanted him to do. Whereas, if I didn't have the expectation that Alphie should call me, I wouldn't get upset at all. It's too much thinking, I know, I know that too.
2. Last night Talia gave me a raise, and I didn't even ask for one. I was so amazed, seeing as how I've been working for her for a mere 4 months. But she is probably the best "boss" I've ever had, and can see the value of a good employee. She wants to give me more money so I'll stay and work for her. It's sooo different for me and so much better than CF. Go, me!
3. I tried to talk to my friend in the mailroom about my broken heart, but that was a big mistake, since he tried to break it all down logically and basically I was starting to feel like he was telling me I shouldn't feel the way I do because logically blahblahblah. Whatever. I just said, "I don't need this conversation right now," and walked out. He's not a bad guy, it's just some people don't live in the same realm of emotions as I do. I don't know if he's just never been so in love with somebody, or what. But I am just tired of sitting around and having somebody trying to convince me I'm wrong to feel the way I do. This is me. This is how I feel. My heart is broken. It doesn't mean I can't go out on dates, it doesn't mean I won't go to Canada. It doesn't mean I don't have fun, dance around or whatever. I can do more than one thing at a time and still have a broken heart. I wish people would get that. I have not stopped living, but it is a heavy thing to carry. It's a process and it's not like you decide you're not sad anymore and you wake up the next day and that's it. It goes back and forth. And if you ask me about it I will talk about it because it's part of my life. I got really upset because one of my friends told me "not to be upset too long" and that "Frank was just a habit". She made it all sound so simple. But she has a husband of several years and I know that if he left she would have some grieving to do. Or I know for a fact that when one of her friends died of cancer, she grieved for a year. Well this is a thing that has died for me and it has changed my life. It's only been 4 months and I wish others would stop making it sound so simple. I did not point out those things to my friend, I just think some part of her is afraid to see people grieve because maybe she fears that emotion in herself and she fears it will not stop. She accused me of being a victim, which I think is ridiculous. If I were to act like a victim I wouldn't do anything, I would go around and tell the story again and again and try to get people to feel sorry for me, and I haven't done that. I'm living and working out and being healthy and going to therapy and job interviews and working and saving money and going on vacations and to trainings. So there.
4. My friend Simon, Simon the homophobe, Simon who was making me extremely uncomfortable by hitting on me even though I have an imaginary boyfriend-- yeah that Simon-- is getting married. Somehow or other he got engaged in the two weeks I was avoiding him. Big sigh of relief. Apparently he got back together with his ex from a year and a half ago.
5. I have a crush on someone.
That is all.
Love, Duck
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