Dear Diary,

Why are people such assholes? That's all I have to say.

Today, I'm kicking myself, apparently Alphie got a job for $10,000, and supposedly, he was trying to contact me, but couldn't, so he did the project with somebody else... according to Russell.

Exactly how he was trying to contact me is unclear. Was it the time he called me at 2am and left a message that said, "Hey DUCK wanna talk some BIZNAASSS???!!!" or the time he text messaged me "can you talk?" (also at two am)- Rather than like a normal person "Duck we have the opportunity to make 5 grand a piece, call me back."

I was livid- kicking myself- but who would have responded to those messages? Communication, as we know, is not Alphie's strong suit.

So I started to rage. Screaming and crying, I told the universe, listen, if it doesn't matter how I treat people, why am I so nice? If you are just going to reward people who don't care about others' feelings, who use people to climb the ladder of success, who just act sensitive and caring so they can feel good about themselves, but really don't give a shit; then why am I here? What am I doing? If you are not going to help me out, then I'm not staying!

I really had quite a fit. Then I took a bath and felt a little better. But I realize how much anger I have at Alphie; anger at how he treats me, definitely, and also anger at the fact that life seems so much easier for him. He doesn't worry about rent or anything, because Grace pays for everything; he's a kept man with a free ride. And then this huge project falls in his lap. Now I know no one said life was fair, but I'm tired of scrambling for a living, counting my pennies and scraping by... doing HARD work, that requires thought, and planning -- when Alphie can't organize a thing, has never made an outline, and all his grand plans require someone else to do it for him...

So big deal I am jealous and pissed.

Now, for the asshole part: he calls me, and tells me he's "sorry I'm having a hard time" but in a smug kind of tone that denotes real men don't get sad when their friends collapse into a coma and die after two weeks. His tone makes me feel like he thinks I'm a basket case. Well fuck him. Fuck HIM.

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