Hi Diary,

I am feeling a bit better... I had a little cry. But I'll get to that in a moment.

Didn't get to take a nap today. Instead watched some of my DVD and continued to feel awful. I was waiting for the delivery of my audio package, but it never came when I was home. I showered and got ready to go to work.

My mood had not improved. I just felt a lot of pressure, and like I was holding back sadness. Then at one point I had a little realization: I said to myself, "This is a temporary state." Which is true- I won't feel like this forever. Something will change. It's just really uncomfortable right now.

Then I started to have an anxiety attack, and wanted to eat a whole box of chocolate eclairs. Luckily, the grocery store was out, or I would have really made myself sick. I tried to check in with myself, and realized that the feelings I was experiencing get so overwhelming, I just want to eat sweet stuff to distract me from it. So I tried to have a little dialogue with that part of myself, and assure myself that it is okay to feel whatever is coming up, and I'm going to take care of myself. I had a thought that maybe I'm really getting to the core of these fears and thoughts, and that's why they feel so powerful right now.

I made it home, and ate a sandwich, and oh! also discovered that the delivery service had come- they must come really late! and my audio package is here. It comes with 20 CDs, a book and a workbook- so, I am excited.... it did say money back guarantee, so if it works you know I'll be telling you about it!

I called my friend Keith, which was a good thing to do, because he's one of those non-judgmental people that's a good listener. I just told him how shitty I was feeling today, and sad, and about all my fears and losing everything and blah, blah, blah, like a big depressing faucet spilling blah all over. He said he really understood, and everyone experiences the feeling of not being loved or worthy of love at some time in their lives, and suggested I turn to Spirit, because really- if I lost everything, that's the only thing I would have left. And he suggested I use this as an opportunity to do that. It makes some sense, and I found I was able to cry, and tears could just flow freely, so I was really grateful for that and his loving advice.

And now... I'm really tired. My sister Delia wrote me an email, a friendly chatty one. She has apologized and is much less pushy. She always makes a point to ask about M and leave lots of open space. I wrote her back and told her that I was dealing with lots of issues from when I was young. Haven't heard a peep back from her... I know this is a tender topic because if I talk about having a bad childhood, that means two things (a) that she was partly the cause of it (which she was, but I don't really blame her, since she was also a child), and (b) that she has to look at the fact that her childhood was shitty too. This is something that Delia does not do well. She's, uh, how do you say, IN DENIAL.

For one thing, she's pissed, all the time, about everything. Her life is like one big battle. And she has abandonment issues too, but she picks different men- and almost bullies them into taking care of her. She's afraid, and needy like me, but she has a different way of handling it- a tougher exterior. Yes, I'm pretty positive she was sexually abused too, but she can not- will not- look at it. She goes a little crazy at the thought that something may have been very wrong in that house. But, what can you do? I am a painful reminder to her, because I just won't keep quiet about my own feelings and my own pain. I just won't pretend like she will.

We shall see. She might just ignore that little remark- or not. No sense in worrying about it.

How did it get so late? Seems time has slipped away from me this evening. Need to go to bed.

Love,
Duck

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