Dear Diary,

After feeling very bummed for a couple of days, I talked to Keith. I told him I was planning on having a meeting with M.

Keith was quick to point out that M is really asking for freedom in all this, and I need to hear that, no matter how hard it is. Although it seems that M loves me, his actions denote that he wants freedom. He has not pursued me. The main reason he called me, actually, after 8 weeks of no talking, was to push me away even more- to set me free to see other people. Yes, even though he loves me, his actions are saying that he wants to be free.

After everything I've been through, this feels strangely true. I suddenly feel at peace, hearing this news in this way. It feels easier to let him go, to give up expectation about having a life with him. I have been fighting so hard, trying to change myself, make myself better, to try to prepare for this. It might be finally coming to the point where I have exhausted myself.

Have I made him a god, irreplaceable? The only one? Have I given him so much power over me and my life? It would seem so. All the blank spaces he has filled, all the time he's taken up in my mind. All the hopes I have pinned on him. True, he is a wonderful person, but is he that magical? I don't know.

If we truly had magic together, why am I the only one who could see it? And feel it? Perhaps because I have just been giving him all the power. He is confused, that is true. But how hard do I have to work to make myself loveable? There are people in my life who love me just because, no questions asked.

Just in this moment, it feels incredibly freeing to let go. To turn my eyes elsewhere, to the possibility of someone else coming in, someone easier. Someone with whom I don't have to worry about walking on eggshells because he gives when he wants to, and not out of obligation or guilt.

I don't know if this feeling will last. But at least I've written it down, to remind myself.

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