Dear Diary,

Well. What a day. Cried buckets, finally, the tension around my neck and shoulders released. I feel like all these months, these lonely nights, I have sat here swallowing my pain and grief, and it got stuck in my neck.

Then I grabbed something to eat before work. I figured I had better call M since I had made no plans with him about when to meet or even at what address to pick me up. So I called, we had a short conversation- where for some reason he mentioned "being really drunk and laughing with friends". For whatever reason, after we got off the phone, I was deeply upset. He's also, in the past few phone conversations, mentioned "being busy for the next few weeks", "going to a party", "going to a concert". And I got home and checked my email- apparently he'd actually sent me an email about 45 minutes before I called him today (which is odd- cowardly? we never communicate via email)- in which he mentions "going out of town with Mikey for the next two days". (who knows what that will be about- strip clubs and pot smoking?... knowing Mikey).

So I guess M is sowing his oats. Why does he have to tell me about it? It pissed me off to no end.... I really went into a rage. The fact, once again, thrown in my face that this person who I think about daily- obsess over and wonder about and long for- does not give a shit about me and is having a great time getting drunk and going here or there and doing who knows what else, maybe fucking some random girls even- reliving his twenties with his pothead friend who most likely will get his ass divorced by the end of this year.

I realize, now.... that I am in the same place M was in relation to FMM... she left him, he was bereft, obsessed... now he is the "abandoner" (as Susan Anderson says).

Fuck, fuck fuck. I hate it. I hate that he doesn't care about me. I hate the separation and I hate that he is out partying and whatever. I know, officially, we are broken up. It's like someone put a knife in my heart and twisted it.

I am seriously considering not meeting with him on Sunday. Keith said I have to follow my own intution, but I'll be damned if I can even FIND any kind of intuition about this. I just feel murkier and murkier about it everyday. In this state I wonder if it is the best thing for me, to make me more upset? But Red says he thinks it will be for the best because I spend all this time wondering about him anyway, it will be good for me to see him in person....?

I don't know Diary, I really don't know. I am asking for guidance of some sort. I am up late, procrastinating about packing for going to my training tomorrow, with a paper due that I haven't even started- yes, I am THAT lame.

And I am pissed!!!!

So what kind of friendship could there ever be in the future? The kind where I pine away and he is telling me about all his adventures? Next thing I'll be hearing some stories about conversations he had with women in bars... and dates and blow jobs behind dumpsters? Fuck that. Forget it. I am so enraged.

And fuck him. I hate this fucking shitty place I have been in for so long. Supposedly I am the more "evolved" one who is more emotionally mature (?) and as a result I torture myself with feelings.

Ugh!!

Okay-added text two minutes later... I just sent him an email stating the following: "M, I might want to reschedule rather than meet on Sunday. Something has come up and I am not sure that would be a good time to do this. I am very much undecided at this point. Don't know what kind of notice I could give you, by Sat night or Sun morning...? Would have called as I hate having correspondence such as this via email but it is late and I know you have early mornings. I do prefer phone above email/text but I wanted to give you a heads up sooner than later. -D"

So. There it is. Red may be disappointed, but fuck him too- ha- a lot of the advice he's given me about "confronting" M has been dead wrong and never works out to my advantage.

If this is truly about feeling into my own feelings, then this is the feeling I'm having right now. I feel pissed, and I don't feel comfortable taking my angry energy to M. I'm not really sure he'd really receive it- I've never directed any anger energy at him! I don't think I've ever directed it at anybody but myself, come to think of it... also, I am aware that my anger at M is not justified. I know that I am totally triggered by my abandonment issues. In truth M does not owe me anything- he has been honest with me every step of the way- I have agreed to all the arrangements up to this point- I'm the one that verbalized the necessity of taking a break, I'm the one that understood the struggle he was having- now I'm having one. I have always said I would support him being his own man, now this is my resistance to it because it threatens me. What's the point of directing that anger at him, when in truth he hasn't violated any agreement or disrespected me in any way? The only mistake he did make was telling me about it, probably truly believing that I am a more understanding and open person than I am!

I'm also not saying I won't do it. I'm just not feeling very warm to it right now and I'm giving M a heads up... I don't really feel that guilty about it as he did once break up with me the day before we were going on an 8-day cruise (we ended up going).

I asked for guidance and should I send this email and two times I got the "Yes" card. That's enough guidance for me! Even if it is about knowing that I can change my mind- I always think I have to do everything the hard way, at the expense of myself. I always think I have to be the bigger, braver person. Well maybe I'm just not ready. That is okay too. This whole journey has been about taking care of myself and dammit, I am still trying to figure out how to do that. (At first I wrote, "This whole journal has been about me taking care of myself" -whew! quite the telltale Freudian slip!) Maybe it's just not the right time. I said "postpone" not "cancel".

As soon as I sent that email, I felt my whole body relax. I don't even feel that angry anymore. Hmm. Don't know what that's about. Maybe on some level I was feeling controlled, because I committed to doing this and then I was feeling less and less appreciated and more and more anxious. It really is about ME finding ME!

Diaryland friends, I know I have to make my own decision but if you want to write me a note giving me your point of view, I would appreciate it. I know you gals are pretty supportive...

Love, Duck

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