#2

Dear Diary,

I've just been feeling like crap. Not motivated at all, and tired. So I lay down again, slept for I think about an hour, woke up- then fell asleep for another hour.

I had an intense dream involving a lot of animals, the high point being chased by a hissing, mongoose-skunk-porcupine combo that left me stuck with dozens of needles stuck in my right hand... and seeing my mother about 60 pounds lighter and talking about how much weight she was losing.

I woke myself up crying and freaking out about all the needles in my hand... oh... just a dream. Very intense.

I'm not sure of the meaning in this one. I know I often feel like there is a lot of unfriendly energy coming my way. For example, even though Gail is my friend, I still feel like her judgments shoot into me like little arrows. I feel like I haven't quite developed the right kind of "armor" to withstand it, and that she just doesn't GET that it's judgment, but rather her right to express herself. I see how it's rubbed off on Craig and we all know how I feel about Craig.... and now I feel less and less inclined to hang out with Gail most of the time, or at least share with her about intensely charged emotional issues in my life.

Another example is my brother in law, Delia's husband, Bud. He's a nice enough guy, and I've often had good conversations with him when my sister's not home. But the other day when I called, I mentioned that I canceled my meeting with M- and Bud said, "Well, that's good, because I don't think he treats you very nice," and went into a litany of things that he thought about M. Uh, okay- Bud has never met M, and I've never discussed the situation in detail with either Delia OR Bud- so how does Bud know about anything that is going on? Well, he doesn't! Everything he said was his own projection about a person he's never even met!

That's an interesting part of my story... yes, there has been a lot of pain around the abandonment. But then there is an equal, if not deeper pain- the pain of realizing just how much all the people around me either don't see me for who I am, don't trust my judgments, project their own stuff onto me... or just won't listen because they just assume they know everything. This is REALLY painful for me... obviously Gail has made it clear she thought my decisions were unwise... and Bud and Delia are ready to believe that I chose a person who mistreated me, and they fail to see anything beyond that. A lot of my pain is around being misunderstood, not seen and not trusted... it really hurts especially when it comes from family.

That's what I think the significance of the "needles" is... feeling attacked. And my mother in real life has not lost any weight... but I think all the weight I've lost has had something to do with her... maybe all the programming I took on from her, like swallowing my anger and so much grief- and trusting other people to tell me who I am rather than discovering it for myself- those "arrows"- I'm giving that up and maybe that's why I've gotten so skinny.

Just a theory.

I feel somewhat better than I did before, a little less groggy, but it's weird that I slept so much today, that I'm just so damn TIRED. I started to go through some papers in my office, and I think I'll have that space totally cleared out and organized by the end of today.

I realized too that I might be waiting for "the next thing" to happen with me and M... it's kind of like my brain refuses to think that it's over... but really, there is no next thing, and if there is, it's not going to happen when I'm waiting for it. The mind is a tricky thing. As far as M is concerned, we're done- he's off partying and doing whatever- we haven't spoken since last week, and the messages we exchanged on the weekend. But I don't think I'll be calling him anytime soon. Even his proclamations of "I want you in my life," well, I'll believe that when I see it, and not a moment before.

And, as Violet says, sometimes it's cheaper to just get a new saw than to fix one that has a buckle.

Part of my brain is still trying to figure out how to fix this situation, when I really should just be moving on.

And so it goes.

[previous] [next]