Hi Diary,

Well, I slept.... for about 10.5 hours. Depression, anyone?

Damn. I sort of woke up at 8:30, and felt those same thoughts of M coming in. So I said, "Get out! Go away!" I just didn't want those thoughts of him anymore and didn't want them in my space!

Then, of course, I had a dream about him.

I was in some kind of retreat or camp- there were lots of people there. I saw M there but didn't talk to him. There was a definite feeling of distance and separation from him in the dream- we were broken up. I was also upset because I knew he liked one of the other women who was there. I tried to convince a bunch of people to go to a waterfall with me but for whatever reason, couldn't convince them to go. So a bunch of people left, but I stayed behind. I think Drew and I were playing with a puppy.

Then everyone came back. They were boisterous, laughing and talking and holding onto each other. I didn't see M anywhere as they were all walking in. A few moments later I was witnessing a conversation between these "leaders" of the expedition. One guy was like an army sargeant and the other was like his second in command. The second guy was reading from a list, and said, "We have one that didn't come back," and the "sargeant" type guy said, "__?__" (Insert Alphie's son's name here), but the second guy, said, "No, I told you, all the kids came back."

Then the sargeant got very excited and said, "Oh, then you're talking about my man RAW!!!" and he kind of growled and made this masculine gesture. Apparently the name "Raw" was his nickname for M (?). He said that M had gone out in front of the expedition, and he was talking about him like he was this big bad brave guy... but I knew that M was afraid... and probably scared out of his wits wherever he was.

Next they called a meeting on this wooden platform, and we all had to sit in deck chairs in a circle. The meeting was so that the second in command could give us information about M - (I'm not sure what- where he was? What he was last seen doing? Possibilities of where to find him?). We arranged our chairs and then started each going around the circle and introducing ourselves by saying our names. When it got to my time to say my name, my phone rang and woke me up. I tried my best to stay in my dream so I could find out what happened to M, but, alas, I could not do it.

Dammit. I know I should turn that phone off every night when I go to bed! But at least it got me up. I didn't know I was going to sleep so long.

So, that was the dream. A weird mix of camp-like comraderie and then this army-type sargeant in the middle. M is lost, and scared. Maybe that is the message.

He's always been kind of a fearful person. I don't know if I've told you that he has lots of fear. Normally I would hear about it later. He was so nervous on our first date, and so afraid to kiss me, because he'd only been with one woman in many many years. He told me this later.

Also I found out that he often feels afraid in school or around other guys, because he is always comparing himself to others and thinking that they have it more together than he does. Sound like anyone else we know? I told you we have a lot in common.

Anyway, I know if that really did happen to M, he would be afraid. He's done so much in his life, but he is still afraid. Maybe I am picking up on his fear, or maybe I have fear like him. Who knows?

I have to clean my house now, at least half of it. I'm feeling a little more rested, I guess, so that's good. I suppose I am officially depressed, according to what therapist said yesterday, but I don't want to focus on that too much because it just becomes a label and then it becomes and excuse.

I have lots of work to do today, so I guess that will keep me busy.

Love,
Duck

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