Dear Diary,

I think I might have a new friend! Her name is Evelina and she is very cool. I met her at a conference a couple of months ago, and we got stuck at a table together and talked a little. Then she kept saying she wanted to get together and hang out because she thought I was cool. At first I was a little trepidacious (suspicious?) and thought that might be really weird. But we met for coffee today and I found out that Evi is a bit weird like me... a pretty spiritual girl that's into a lot of things.

I actually told her about my foray into hypnotherapy and how I was just having trouble figuring out which way to go after this relationship. Evi just got out of a seven year relationship so I guess she is trying to figure out where to go too. When I mentioned the thing about M, her eyes welled up with tears. It almost made me cry. I spend so much time trying NOT to show those feelings, that to see her showing them for me, uh, I don't know, it was both shocking and comforting.

It occurred to me that maybe I have manifested my intention of getting cool women friends who are like me, who see me for who I am and accept that..? That would be great. I wanted to tell Evi so much more but I know the truly great friendships, you can't rush. They have to develop in their own time. I did tell her that I would call her this week and maybe we could get together again.

It's funny because I feel like a little kid who comes running home from the playground all happy because she's found a new friend...

After coffee with Evi I went to therapy. I was just all over the place. Therapist asked me how I spend my days and I really couldn't tell her how I spend most of my time. I started by explaining how I wanted to be more structured and how I struggle with getting to bed at a decent hour. Then somehow I found myself talking about last week when I felt like an imposter even though everyone else thought I was pretty. And then I was talking about boundaries and how sometimes I get intimidated, and back to how I am not really happy at all. Therapist suggested we work on the grief some more. She keeps saying the anger is there too but we again talked about how I need to feel safe wherever I take my feelings, and how little I trust people.

I cried a bit for the last part of the session. I said I just wanted to feel better, and she said I will eventually feel better. But like a little kid I was asking, "When?" I just feel that I have no joy in my life, nothing that gets me out of bed in the morning excited about my day. Rationally I know that I should be excited about spending the day with myself, but what can you do.

I also said I just want to stop thinking about him, and she said I will as soon as I allow myself to really totally feel all the hurt and the loss.

It has to get better, right? Therapist's theory is that the grief and loss I am feeling stem from the loss of myself, how much of myself I have given away in my life.

Afterward I felt exhausted. Therapist encouraged me to go out dancing, saying that it is important for me to get out of the house and move around. She said that many of my patterns were symptoms of depression. But I was just too tired to go out with B. Nothing could have made me happier than to come home and put my pajamas on and get in bed, so that's what I did.

I made some calls when I got home so I wouldn't have to do it later. I called to make an appointment with Kate, but she is going on vacation for 10 days and is completely booked up till she gets back (therapist is also on vacation next week- so I guess I'll be on my own!). I called Amber back even though she is a black hole and I really never want to talk to her or hang out with her at all. Luckily she wasn't home and I just left a message. I called Ava and we might get together later this week. She seems really (MUCH MORE) interested in hanging out with me lately and even tells me she loves me before we hang up. I'm thinking maybe she is part of my new "women's circle" too? I left another message for Gail- the second one- she has not been calling me back, but that's okay since I might be too tired to talk to her. I even called Red- haven't talked to him in about 5 days because I've been so tired.

After I made all these calls, I figured I had done enough and I got into bed and watched DVDs. I know it's not exercise or anything healthy but I'm so tired!

Let's hope I can rest up and feel better.

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