Dear Diary,

Have not updated in a couple of days... I have been working like a fiend. That is always very good, I suppose. Working and making money and building up a little fund so I can go to Carla's summer house next week...

I am still grieving, and just trying to be okay with it. It's okay to have a broken heart, it's okay to be hurt and feel my feelings- this is what I tell myself. It's okay to just be where I am right now. Most of all I have to focus on myself, and not go in my head about M or trying to figure out how he feels and what he is thinking. Not replaying things over and over in my mind and trying to find incidences of rejection, betrayal, and abandonment, because that's what my mind wants to do.

The brain is an interesting organ, but in human beings it seems to have a fault. You can experience a trauma and the trauma gets stuck in your body.... and in your mind. Other animals with "smaller" brains are able to shake off trauma and "forget". Ha! But us humans with our big brains, we suffer more than any other animal on earth.

Ha!

So... now I just did some laundry. I am just trying to get organized for the next couple of weeks. The bedroom, bathroom and hallway are reasonably clean, but when I look at the rest of my apartment I just feel stressed and overwhelmed! Not to mention thinking about paying my credit card bill....

My heart really hurts. What can I do about it? Heartache is one of those things... mysterious and powerful... everyone is afraid of it. Some people are probably sick of reading about it because it is just something they don't want to think about. Some people love to read about it because they are addicted to it. Some people don't experience it because they do everything they can to prevent themselves from feeling it.

It can't be fixed with food, drugs, TV or even sex, really... all that is just distraction. How do you nurture it, heal it? That is what I am trying to figure out. The Science of Heartache.

I'm beginning to suspect that I have always had a broken heart- my whole life. Well I want to heal it now because I am just DONE with being disappointed in life and love. And I KNOW that I am partially responsible for things working out that way time and time again.

I guess it's not so much in the DOING. My mind thinks there is a SOLUTION- somehow I can DO the right actions and FIX it... but maybe it is just a matter of being. Being with myself, being where I am. Being as broken-hearted as I feel until I'm not anymore. Giving myself the space to squeeze all the unhappiness out of me, like when you squeeze out a sponge. And then I will be done.

And then I will be done?

What will be left of me? Who will I be?

I was thinking today that I have never had a relationship where I WASN'T afraid that the man would leave/reject me/cheat/not love me. Never. In every relationship I've had, that was an underlying current... granted I did not feel that underlying current until a little later with M, but it was there nonetheless. I've never had a relationship where I wasn't waiting for the "next step"- waiting for the man to tell me he loved me, waiting to move in together, waiting for him to make up his mind about me, waiting for him to want to get closer to me. Waiting, waiting, waiting, always waiting.... but never getting. The waiting most likely part of the undercurrent of fear... because, if he said he loved me, then I knew... there was more a chance he wanted to be with me... if we moved in together, there would be less chance that he would leave me... then I would be safe... safe against being left...

Meanwhile I abandon myself all the time... everytime I put someone else's needs before my own, everytime I overbook myself, everytime I eat shitty food all day instead of something that would make me feel good... I leave myself over and over again and then I have the audacity to wonder why someone else leaves me??? Ha!

So I figure, I am really not in any shape to be with anyone right now, I can barely be by myself. My house is a mess, I ate two boxes of (sugarfree) cookies in less than three days, I don't do yoga, I don't get enough sleep, and I overwork myself to the point of detrimental stress. Do I expect that someone can come in and love me this way? Love me into wholeness?

That is a preposterous idea...

Preposterous.

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