Dear Diary,

Well I suppose one could say that life is pretty interesting in its own way.

Yesterday in therapy I saw all kinds of things about myself- my anger, my tendency to dissolve, and most importantly, my fear. It was a little overwhelming. I really don't know where the fear comes from, how to call it up or pinpoint it. But it seems to be there and I never really saw that in my life.

At any rate it wasn't until the end of the session that I told therapist I didn't have any money for her. I suppose the right thing to do would have been to tell her in the beginning, but I guess I assumed that because she told me I should come any way next week, that she would float me for this session too. She seemed mildly taken aback but said we would have to discuss the money thing.

Well, okay. She is the one that insisted on therapy every week no matter what, because otherwise, according to her, I am just trying to avoid it and it doesn't work as well. What she doesn't seem to realize is that $400 a month for a year is a lot of fucking money, for most people, but especially for me. And, yes, I fucked up, I got depressed and I stopped working... I stopped trying... but now I am getting back on my feet and making plans for more work, hopefully gaining more clients, etc... and that will take some time but I have to pay some bills, and rent, and then she comes last. I am two months behind on my electric bill, and I still owe Serena for our last class. I am embarrassed; I have never been quite like this before.

And now I'm aware of what a baby I am being and how I am complaining.

Last night after therapy I hung out with Marva and Bethany. It was a good night and I actually went to bed with my heart feeling full. I even thought of M and didn't feel completely smashed and heartbroken like usual. Maybe life is getting better? I could really be okay with that. Bethany has a new roomate, a guy named Kit, and he seems very cool. Not in a I-want-to-date-him kind of way, but just as another person to hang out with.

And now... I have 7 dates to choose from which, according to the astrology lady, might be ideal dates to contact M. I am leaning toward the end of November. The closest date is tomorrow. It feels too soon. I have too much anger, doubt and fear at this point to feel like I'm ready to do that. But what if, now, I just made the decision to call him in November no matter what. The date is November 28th, more than a month away. That is a fair bit of time to prepare myself. And even if I am not "ready" on that date, so what. I can still do it anyway.

Perhaps I make the mistake of giving myself these deadlines... maybe it's too much pressure. Really, if something is meant to be, there won't be anything I can do to stop it, really... so maybe that's what I should be working on.

Remembering that.

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