Dear Diary,

Today.... slept slept slept in, many many dreams, none of which I can remember now, but I'm sure they are poignant and symbolize the working-out of all my life's problems.

Howard, Marva and John came over for another meeting. John in his usual guilty way gave me a gift. Nice, but unneccessary. I think he knows that people get on my nerves, and he tries to appease me. It really is unneccessary. All people need to do is stay out of my way when I tell them to, and everything will be all right! Really.

I walked in their general direction with them as they headed home, went to the store, and bought a candle and fruit. I decided that TODAY would be the day I started eating well. I had had my eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast, with salad. Then later I cooked the fish I bought the other day. Only ate half of it, so half will be available for tomorrow's lunch. Things kind of fell apart when I went to work and my colleague offered me a cupcake. Okay. I ate it. But then I came home, and uh, ate some chips and salsa that he didn't want and gave to me to take home. Okay. All the chips and salsa (that's why I don't buy them). Then I spent about an hour making a fruit crumble with no sugar, that is kind of crappy because the top didn't get crumbly at all, and I kind of dried out the apples because I forgot to put water in there. But I TRIED, dammit. I tried to be sugar free today!

Huh.

I realized how much I still miss M... it just came up today- a fresh layer of pain, suddenly uncovered. It sucks. I am hating my life right now. I have $49.50 in my checking account. I have no man in my life- just these lame guys on the fringes who never call me and make me pay for my own lunch (by the way there was an article today on MSN about just that subject- and it pointed out the the overwhelming consensus was women want men to pay on the first date because otherwise it feels like the man doesn't RESPECT them- uh, yeah I felt totally disrespected when right after the bill came Luke chose THAT time to all of a sudden get cuddly and cute... coincidence? Ick!).

Anyhow. Where was I? Well, you know... my life. Stinks. I know it will get better.... right? It has to. Really. I mean... really.

Talked to Gail today. She has decided to move into her ex-husband's house for 6 months, get her life together, and start a new business, because she hates the work that she's been doing. She keeps talking about how her heart is broken, she is not over Craig, and I don't have much to say about that. Actually I feel anger surging up inside of me. I think I have to tell her the truth- the truth is, I am pissed as hell at her because when my heart was broken and I NEEDED her to be there for me like she wants me to be there for her now, she was not there. She was a bitch; she said nasty things about M, about me, and implied that I should just get over it. She was a selfish, uncompassionate bitch, people, and that is the truth. And now I'm feeling that it's becoming obvious that I can't support her where she's at, and my resentment is rising to the surface. Even listening to her talk today, it is the rule that she gets to talk as much as she wants in the beginning of every conversation, then when she is done, it's the other person's turn. But she always goes first.... always... and really... I realize she is a selfish person. It doesn't make her a bad person, all the time, but it's true. She is selfish. And honestly, if I told her the truth, what's the worst thing that could happen? She would either know that in order to have me as a friend, she needs to respect me and my feelings if she expects the same from me, or... we just wouldn't be friends anymore, and that's one more selfish person out of my life. What's bad about either one of those things?

Life, please get better soon...please.

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