Hi Diary,

I'm staying at Bethany's tonight and having trouble falling asleep.

I did go out for a walk today, just to keep my energy moving. Then I went to work. Tamara asked me to cover for her so I did that, then worked some more on my own.

Bethany and I hung out after that and watched a movie.... lazy day, lazy girls.

Missing Smitten today, I gave myself permission to fantasize about him for a whole half hour. It was glorious. Really I have no idea what kind of person he is, completely- so it is unrealistic to imagine him as a boyfriend. But he seems like he is sensitive, and fun, and horny, which in general is the kind of guy I like. I also really like his eyes- there is a softness about them, and even about the surrounding area outside of them. I can't explain it better than that.

I remember meeting him at Louie's party- and how he looked directly into my eyes and kept smiling and smiling, with this awestruck look on his face. Of course I was practically blowing him off because I was far more interested in Swing (who, as we know, turned out to be a complete and utter asshole). So much for my choice in men, right? And that's one point- as soon as I start to like the guy, he doesn't want me anymore. Maybe he's afraid to want someone who wants him, because I could always unwant him and that is too frightening. Or, maybe he doesn't want to belong to any club that would have him as a member. I can relate to that one.

What I remember thinking after our exchange at last week's party, was that maybe Smitten is in the same place I was LAST year when I met Paul. He was mildly attractive, but I still had M's scent in my nose and his touch on my skin, and was cocooned in a deep sadness that nothing could penetrate.

Maybe meeting someone who's not yet ready, is just another signal that I am still not ready. Maybe I am freaked out by the prospect of getting close to someone again- I think I'm ready but I'm not? I'll never forget the time that Wisconsin was over and I was sitting in his lap in my kitchen, and I had a sudden palpable feeling of fear about being in relationship- fear that I would lose some part of myself, that I would have to give up me in order to be loved.

I don't know, I just don't know about the Smitten thing. I have talked to Serena many times about making better decisions, and I think I've done well. I mean, look what happened with Elliot... that turned out okay. Smitten is squirrelly- sometimes I think too squirrelly- but then there is the fact that despite his funny looks and bad behavior, he is the first man to ever make me rethink my commitment to loving M, which I was convinced was unshakeable (granted I also believe that it's possible to be in love with more than one person at a time, also...)... meaning I look at life with M, and how well we got along, and what was good with us, but the shadow of that was.... M was always fearful... about doing things wrong, about what other people thought, about making a mistake- he honestly was not sure who he was or what he wanted. He would get tense and pull away from touch and feeling. He could be a stick in the mud. It's not to say he was like that all the time, but often it could get in the way of having a nice time together.

Smitten makes me think, what if I were a guy that could just ROLL with it? He seems like that kind of guy. Confident in many things, unafraid to pursue them and perhaps even willing to make a mistake. Able to maybe hang around people that are not necessarily his type for an hour or two... But would attempt to make conversation and find some common ground, instead of tossing the baby out with the bathwater.

Not to say there wouldn't be problems there too, don't get me wrong... I know nothing's perfect. I guess the real key is to find someone who wants what I want- because if they do, then they will show up and work on it. Right now, Smitten isn't even showing up... Right? He's treated me with acupuncture, but not offered to spend any additional time with me... I realize now that he made plans to go to a museum with K, and did not invite me. Maybe it's just my negative thought pattern rearing its ugly head, or maybe it's just true- that Smitten is just another dead end. But then, what about Lalla's input?

Who knows. I guess time will tell regarding this whole thing. Just have to take it moment by moment and wade through each feeling. Eventually all will be revealed...

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