Dear Diary,

Well I calmed myself down from my little freak-out yesterday. I know it may seem inconsequential to some people who read and see me twisting myself inside out about relationships. But it's just a thing I have- I've never been in a relationship longer than 18 months, and it's something I want desperately. I know that my obsession is due to attachment issues from my childhood and the whole bit. And even though I've been working really hard to develop a stronger sense of self, sometimes I fall off the wagon. Each new person I find myself attracted to is a test...

Last night I spoke with Red and he reminded me not to play it small. I do feel like I do that a bit... tone myself down, i.e. Smitten said he was afraid of me and then I search myself for what parts are scaring him and what can I do to be less scary? I know I can't do that anymore. For one, it's false advertising... because how long can I hide myself? For another it's not fair to me...

I think of how many boyfriends I've had where we've gone to a party and I can't even relax and have fun there because I'm worried the guy is not comfortable or doesn't like it... I have a habit of picking guys who get tense and then I sense their tension and that makes me all twisted inside... it would happen all the time with Frank, and it happened a couple of times with M... maybe that is a way I've "played small."

So now it would be an interesting test just to see if I can remain "myself" at this time... I know it's not hard for other people, but it sure is for me. I especially notice it when I am in contact with Smitten because I get a little giddy, and sometimes nervous and I don't know what to say, I just get kinda frozen and smiley and silent and don't say anything... believe me if my clients and colleagues read that they'd be like, "What?! Duck doesn't act like that..." So, it's a little out of character for me, for sure.

I often walk away from an interaction with Smitten (either via phone or in person) feeling like I didn't get enough time, I didn't get to say or express what I wanted to or ask the questions I want to know about. Why is that? With him, one, I get that frozen thing, and two, we are always getting interrupted somehow (especially since Smitten is so distractable, and if we are at Jimmy's other people are always there). That's part of the reason why I wanted him to come here so badly. I didn't realize during the first date, when he seemed so accessible and ready to talk, that it would be so hard to get him in that place again. Jeez.

In any case, I'll wrap this part up by saying that I'm not really expecting to hear from Smitten for a couple of days. Part of me wonders if he made that stuff up, about something heavy coming up- to avoid me- cause deep down inside I have a belief that everyone wants to avoid me- but hey it might be true, who knows. I need to use this time to take care of myself. Red pointed out that Smitten seems more likely to treat me for acupuncture than take me on a date- he's that afraid. It seems true. But, as I mentioned before to Boxy, there's nothing I can do, really, to assuage his fears. He will just have to decide if I'm worth the risk (which I totally am, but, he may not realize it).

And speaking of risk, I've been thinking about doing something that feels risky for myself. Which is, packing up M's stuff and sending it to him, with a note that just requests he mail my stuff to my parent's house 1) because some of the stuff he has is too bulky for me to keep here, and it was originally removed from my parent's house in the first place, and 2) I won't lie, if he sends it there, it means I won't have to deal with it right away- it's a bit obvious that I haven't been ready to deal with this, right?

I still have intense feelings about the whole M situation- anger and sadness that this much time has gone by and he has not contacted me AT ALL. Kind of a sense of disbelief that I am so disposable to him. But in his defense, I have been in hell the past year and a half, thinking about him everyday, convinced I am in love with him, yet, I have not contacted him either. So I don't know. Maybe he has experienced something similar, but my brain tends to go to the places where I say I'm not good enough or somebody can just cast me aside.

And gut-wrenching continues because I will be seeing Alphie and Grace next week in a social setting, an additional training. I have a low nauseous feeling about seeing Alphie in person, and some fear that he will try to use his charm to seduce me into... whatever, I don't know. We all know it's not going to work, right? I'm sure we can talk small talk, but I can pretty much tell from my brief text interaction with him last fall, and what I've heard about him recently, that overall he has not changed. I don't really believe that he cares about anybody but himself, and that's the bottom line.

That's it for now. Work tonight, and maybe I'll go outside now and get a little sun...

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]