Dear Diary,

I called Shelby last night, and all went well. He wasn't irritated with me at all- I realize I do that constantly- I always think I've done something wrong the last time we were together... and that somewhere along the line he has decided that he doesn't want to see me anymore. There is always something. And I am usually very, very wrong about it.

So, first thing, I asked him if I made him late for his flight, and inconvenienced him... he said no, there was a little more stress than he would have liked, but that it was okay. I apologized for my part in making the day more stressful, and I explained that I had been feeling pretty bad about it since I left. He said it wasn't my fault, but I said, "But when we started this, I made the promise that I would honor you as a man, and for me part of that is respecting your time, and I felt like I didn't do that, so I am sorry." I think Shelby thought that was quite admirable, and said he didn't at any time think it was my fault, but, he felt like what I was saying was that I didn't SUPPORT him in doing what he wanted as far as the time thing- yes, I said, that's it. So he appreciated the apology, and I told him that in the future I would be more respectful (because part of me was also afraid that he would never invite me over before he had to be somewhere, lest it happen again).

Shelby said he had a confession to make- that he had been struggling with some exhaustion and a sensitive throat, and he was worried about possibly getting sick- of course all of this coming at the worst possible time, when he had a big weekend coming up and our date at the end of it. And he had so much to do, and he was worried about Sunday night and not having enough alone time and not being able to pay attention to me, and he felt very unsure, and was kind of afraid to tell me that too.

So I said, well, let's look at our options- (of course I was feeling a bit bad about the possibility of canceling our LONG overnight date, because I didn't have to work the next day, but I attempted not to go into a panic). Option 1- we could cancel the date so he could have some alone time. Option 2- I could come over and we didn't have to be crazy, instead we could lounge around, and if Shelby wasn't feeling well, I could rub his back and make him some soup. That's as far as I got before Shelby remarked, "That's crazy." "What?" I asked. "The concept that you could come over and take care of me." "Well," I said, "maybe we should do that one, then."

So it turns out that while my biggest fear is that someone is going to leave me at any moment, Shelby's biggest fear is being vulnerable and letting somebody else take care of him. Ha! So, we're still having our date- we're starting it a bit later than planned (to give him alone/work time) and we've established that it's okay to be lazy.

Also we talked a bit about what happened the last time I was there- I told him I'd been experiencing shame all week, and he asked me to tell him more about that. I told him that I think this triangulation issue with my parents is the root of my abandonment problem, and he seemed to agree. But he seems intent on helping me with it, and actually said, "Well now I know what I can help you with," because apparently he believes that I am teaching him things all the time, even though I don't really know what they are because I am just being myself.

Hmm. In any case it was all good, better than okay. I just feel that Shelby is really PRESENT whenever I talk to him and I never get that feeling that he is in a hurry or not really listening or whatever. He really listens, and, amazing as it seems, he might actually care about me. It is weird and hard to believe, but it just might be true. I am going to entertain the thought. Maybe for a minute or two.

After that, I felt pretty good but I had trouble falling asleep. Today was my last day of work here, and I am completely exhausted. But I'm all packed up and ready to go to Stacey's tomorrow... I guess I'll deal with that chaos when I come to it.

Love,
Duck

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